Light Candles, Say Prayers, Fight! Fight! Fight!

Day Three is coming to a close. Little Luca has been "on the outside" since 9am Tuesday morning. At 9am tomorrow he'll have 72 hours under his belt. Or, under his diaper edge as he's not quite wearing belts yet. Lame joke, sorry. Just need to relieve a little tension.

It's been a bit tough the last couple days, and especially today. Luca has been in the nursery hooked up to an IV and a variety of monitors (oxygen, heart rate, skin temperature, etc.). No one can go into the nursery except me and Daniel (though a very nice nurse snuck my dad in so he could meet the baby). Usually, the baby stays in your room with you and you get all that time to cuddle and bond. It's quite a bit more difficult to cuddle with wires everywhere. We take every opportunity we can get though! Poor little guy is the only baby in there.

It had seemed on Tuesday night that Luca's blood sugars had been stabilized and they would be able to begin weening him off the IV Wednesday morning. In order to do that though, he has to start eating. Even though he breastfed quite well right after birth, since then he seemed to have forgotten how to suck.

We made some valiant attempts at breast feeding again, but whenever I hold him, boob or not, he immediately falls right asleep. Very sweet, and it is still wonderful for the baby and me, but it doesn't meet our goal. So, they tried giving him formula with a special kind of bottle. With that, they began lowering the amount of sugar in the IV from 12 units to 10. For four readings (4 hours apart), his blood sugar stayed at 43-48. Not ideal (above 50), but pretty good. But then it dropped to 30 and stayed at 30. And he started spitting up the formula or gagging on it.

They upped the sugar again back up to 12. The problem is that sugar water, while it works to quickly bring the blood sugar up, is a quick fix. Like giving him kool-aid. And, at two days old, he needs to start eating for real. Plus, protein will help stabilize his blood sugar.

The whole thing is overwhelming and upsetting. Luca's little heels have been poked so many times that they are all bruised, along with this hand where they tried to get the IV in and popped a vein, and his other hand with the IV and the giant foam wrapper to keep it in place (looks like Hellboy's Right Hand of Doom). On top of that, I still have lots of hormones making me a little wacky. I was assured that day 3 is when most new moms start to freak out and get hysterical - even when their babies are just fine.

Now they are feeding him through a tube down his throat. It's no fun to watch, but he's keeping the food down and that is MAJOR! I've also been able to finger feed him some colostrum (the early breast milk that contains tons and tons of antibodies). The hope now is that this "real" food will stabilize his blood sugar enough to ween him off the IV.

Good news is that his sucking reflex has started to kick in. Daniel fed him a bunch of colostrom from his finger and he had a good, strong, consistent suck going. That is very reassuring because it means he may be able to feed from a bottle (or even the boob) soon and no longer need the tube.

Other really great things are that he really knows us and is very calmed by us. Daniel had an important talk with Luca's body this evening :) and we both spent some time surrounding him in white, healing light.

I've been told some pretty scary things about him maybe needing to be transfered to an Newborn Intensive Care Unit at another hospital, but I think he's going to pull through really soon. Maybe tonight.

Please, please send your thoughts and love to our little guy. He's had a bit of a fight so far and he isn't out of the woods yet.

I'm getting released tomorrow (I think), but obviously Luca isn't. The hospital is letting me stay as a "boarder". Thank God! Because there is no way that Daniel or I would leave him. So, basically, we're here probably through the weekend and maybe even Monday or Tuesday.

Day Two

Luca is now 49 hours old.

I'm super groggy and drugged and keep typing horridly, so until a little later when I'll hopefully be more up to writing, here is a short video Daniel shot last night before bed. This is Luca caught unawares by the camera light. I particularly love the "pffffft" at the end.

Luca Sol Wall

Luca Sol was born at 9:11am on Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
5 lbs, 7 oz

The story...

I came into the hospital last night (Monday) at 6pm for another poorly named Non-Stress Test. My dad came with because Daniel is super sick with the flu or a bad cold. The NST measures the baby's heart rate in relation to when he moves or I have a contraction - it should go up a tad for a certain amount of time. After an hour, they weren't seeing it go up enough. So, they asked me to stay the night to be monitored throughout the night. *eye roll* I also had an ultrasound that revealed that I had too little amniotc fluid (in complete opposition to earlier in my preggersness).

I had to convince Daniel to stay home and my dad left around 11pm. After declining a sleeping pill - because I do NOT need help sleeping - I fnally fell asleep around 1am. At 3am, I was woken up by a nurse bustling in because the baby's heart rate had dropped way low. Happened a week before during monitoring. Probably not a big deal.

After that though, his heart rate, while normal, never really picked up when he moved or even during contractions. In fact, during contractions it dropped. Not good.

At 7am, Daniel came to the hospital looking quite a bit better - though I could tell it was a disguise.. :) At 7:15, I put my hands on my belly and asked the baby if it was time to come out. Somewhere in me, I knew. Ten minutes later a doctor came in and told me that he wanted to "prepare me" for the likelyhood that I'd be having the baby... today. Then the real surprise - by cesarian. The drops in the baby's heart rate during really mild contractions meant that he wouldn't be able to handle going through labor.

Trying to keep my cool, I asked what the timeline for all this was. "About an hour."

Daniel and I stare at each other. Stunned Silence.

Our Doula came, calming me down right away. And then it was time. Daniel dressed in scrubs. Now, I'm not afraid of needles. What I am afraid of is two things - spinal cord damage and anestesia, esp. the latter. I had a bad experience with some Nitrous Oxide many years ago and I'm afraid it scarred me.

A nurse, Aime held me while I got the shot in the back twice. I'd like to say that was the wost part, but the dry wretching with a 2/3 numb body freaked me out quite a bit. As soon as it passed though, I was completely blissed out. Daniel came in the room and sat near my head. I spent the first third of the procedure goofily staring at Daniel telling him how much I love him. And then I heard the baby cry and spent the last two thirds crying deliriously happily. That baby cry is heavenly!!!

Daniel held him like a pro (much to my surprise) and we just cuddled and cooed at the baby while they stitched me back up. Back in our room, I breastfed him. I gotta say, I was rather convinced that nothing was going to come out, but I was wrong indeed. It was a little tough because I was still numb including my arms. But hey, I let the doula and the nurse manhandle my boobs and it was all fine. Luca was raring to go and breast fed for a full hour. He was looking and acting great!

We had been warned many times that he would probably be born with low blood sugar thanks to my gestational diabetes and that he would probably need an IV. But he looked so good on arrival that they didn't do the test for two hours. When they finally did, it was low. Shockingly low. A 3 for anyone who understands BS numbers. They retested three times on different machines. Because, really, he just wasn't acting like his blood sugar was so low. Well, it was and they took him to the "Level 2 Nursery" for care. Daniel went with.

For my part, I was so exhausted that my eyes keept drooping. That's about where we are now. Daniel has spent a lot of time at the nursery with the baby. I only managed a short visit later on with my inscison. The baby's blood sugars are stabilized and now they have to ween him off the IV. It will probably take a couple days. We're in the hospital until Friday morning assuming nothing goes wrong. I might be okay enough to walk by tomorrow morning and EAT!!!!!

Dudes... I am so in love. With my husband and his incredible calm, devotion, and persisitence. And now with Baby Luca. His cry just fills me with joy. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.

Want to see some photos?


Welcome to the world, Luca



Getting ready...


My first glance


Daniel has made sure to touch and hold the baby a lot! He's going to be such a good papa!
In the nursery....


My first visit to the nursery. The glassy-eyed look would be thanks to the df

Yup. Luca, you are your papa's son. :)

So, so, so excited!!

A day one video...

November 2, 2009

On the evening of Sunday, November 1st, labor will be induced. It takes time for labor to be in full swing. We will be having this baby sometime on Monday, November 2nd. There is a small chance it could go as long as the 3rd, but that's unlikely. I hope. :)

Very very very very excited. And just a wee bit scared.

Relief

Daniel and I have decided that this pregnancy is "Undercover Healthy". But first I will tell you about our latest adventures.

On Monday evening we went to the hospital for another Non-Stress Test (NST) and Ultrasound to test the level of Amniotic Fluid around the baby (called an AFI). A while back, I had too much fluid which isn't the worst thing in the world (and goes hand in hand with Gestational Diabetes) but can cause seriously complications during labor. Well, it seems that as soon as the diabetes got under control, so did the fluid levels. They are now totally normal (65th percentile, where before they were in the 95th).

We were about 30 minutes into the NST, just Daniel and I alone in the room, giggling and listing to the baby's heartbeat. Then suddenly it didn't sound quite right. We've heard this kid's heart beat a LOT and it's been consistently very strong and steady at around 140 bpm. Now we were scratching our heads wondering if what we were hearing was MY heartbeat since it was so much slower.

Moments later our nurse returned and seconds after that our tiny observation was filled with seven nurses in a flurry of panic and activity. Oxygen mask. And one kept strapping a band around my arm in different spots to put a IV in. I was, quite admittedly, freaking out. Before they could the IV in, I demanded to know what was going on. Well, they didn't know, but they wanted to make sure the baby was okay. I needed to know what was in the IV bag before they stuck the needle in. Just fluids to keep me hydrated. I tried to keep my focus on Daniel who was very reassuring. The whole thing was very, very, VERY upsetting.

The baby was fine. They suggested that maybe he had just rolled over on his cord for a moment and that this could happen all the time, but since they aren't monitoring all the time, we don't know about it and thus, it's treated as an emergency. The whole thing was fucked up.

But there is good news. We had the ultrasound after that and they ordered a complete "Bio Physical Profile" (BPP) - basically, a very complete ultrasound where they check everything. The result? Everything is really good. The baby is getting great blood flow through the umbilical cord from the placenta, and as they score the test, it came out 8 out 8. The protiens they were testing for during the 24 hour stay have completely gone away. My blood sugars have all been really steady and controlled for weeks now.

Undercover Healthy. :)

Alright, if you're still reading, here is the most important news. We're very likely going to be having this baby on November 1st. They will be inducing labor (unless I manage to go into labor on my own which is unlikely) on the evening of October 31st. I'll be 37 weeks - technically full-term. Induction usually takes a long time (just like regualr labor, only we'll have to do it at the hospital) and so he'll probably come out on the 1st.

Of course, in an ideal world, we'd be having a completely natural water birth. The GD and now the pre-eclampsia have removed that possibility. The longer the baby stays inside, the more unhealthy the environment becomes for him. At 37 weeks, his lungs are fully mature and it's unlikely that he'll have to stay at the hospital. Not to mention that pre-eclampsia is rather scary for me. The high-blood pressure can cause seizures and even death. Yeah. Do. Not. Want. Daniel has been really strict with keeping me on bed rest. He's amazing. Have I mentioned that?

So, induction involves the use of Pitocin. It is the synthetic version of the hormone Oxytocin (the love hormone) that is what normally starts labor. With luck, that will be the only unnatural part of this. Pitocin "inspires" the uterus to begin contracting. Maybe Friday we'll be trying some "natural" ways to induce labor. Accupressure among them. No guarantee that it'll work, but it probably won't hurt.

We have a wonderful doula who will be with us the whole time. She has already played a remarkable role in helping me feel like we have ownership over this experience (not something that the hospital tends to inspire). I also suspect that she was vital to the protien thing being resolved. She told me to eat 5-10 hard boiled eggs and take liquid calcium magnesium. I was giggling inside at the hippieness of it, but I did it and the turn around was incredible. Complete reversal of the amount of protiens found.

What happens now? After the 24 stay, faced with the reality that we might be having this baby a lot sooner than expected, the doula suggested that I really try to prepare. I've been really focused on saying goodbye to my pregnancy. I'm feeling much more ready. And having a date (a luxury most women don't get) really helps. I'm incredibly excited and I feel like I don't have to go around each day being afraid that today is the day. I've also decided that this Tuesday will be my last day of work (and Daniel's for that matter). We can spend the last few days together, holed up in our nest, filling the house with good energy for when the baby comes home.

I'm thinking he won't care too much if its not spotless. :)

And so it goes...

Last Thursday, Daniel and I went to our standard midwife visit. She comes in (actually, she's not a midwife, but an MD - my special conditions mean we get to see the program director of the midwifery clinic quite frequently) and asks how I am.

"I'm SO ready to be done," I tell her.

Five minutes later she says, "You're not going to like this, but you need to go the hospital right now and stay there for 24 hours for observation. And you might be having your baby today."

blink

blink

An hour later, laying in a hospital bed in shock one thing was very, very clear. I'm not ready at all.

I mentioned pre-eclampsia in my last post. It's a collection of symptoms characterized primarily by sudden high-blood pressure and protein in the urine (from damage to the tiny blood vessels in the kidneys that begin leaking the protien in your blood). Fun stuff. The danger is eclampsia - siezures that can be deadly.

I'll admit it. I'm a little scared. Even though I sense that everything is going to be fine, it's still a little scary. Daniel asked me to have my dad come over while he is at work in case anything happens. Highly unlikely, but better to be safe than sorry.

Obviously, I didn't have the baby yet. From all we can tell, he's doing well. Nice and strong. But pre-eclampsia is a progressive disease and other than trying to control how fast it progresses, the only cure is to deliver the baby. So, I'm on bed rest. Everyone we spoke to, even our doula (also a midwife) who is a huge advocate of letting things progress naturally and tends to think hospitals overreact, made it clear that it would likely be no more than a week and half to two weeks before I had to have the baby.

I'd love to keep the little guy in for another three weeks. That would rock. But I'm alert to any of the danger signs. The only way I can see prolonging it is to stop working completely, which is what will likely happen. We have another round of tests at the hospital this evening, so we'll see what happens before the decision is final. I've already cut down to only one project and its one I could do in my sleep. I've worked on this project for years now and its very dear to my heart and not at all easy to give up. So...we'll see.

I feel like the whole idea of a birth plan, and what I want the birth to go like, is out the window. The more complications I have, the more I'm at the mercy of the hospital system. In the back of my mind, I know this isn't entirely true. I'm going to meet with our doula tomorrow night and this, I think, will be the main focus of our meeting. I'm feeling very grateful that she is a midwife and that her ability to advocate for us in the hospital is strong. I'm also grateful that everytime I've talked to her, I've instantly felt better, calmer.

At this point, what I'd like more than anything is to go into labor naturally. There are a lot of old wives' tales to make that happen, but no way to simply make it happen for sure. I'm afraid of having labor induced with pitocin, which makes contractions much more painful, thus requiring an epidural that I don't want, which could make labor slow down, thus requiring more pitocin, thus placing a lot of pressure on the baby and then we have an emergency c-section. I'm very afraid that is the course my labor is going to take. I'd seriously rather schedule a c-section.

I have made efforts to overcome my fears. Meditative things that I'd like to do or have available during labor.

One is a sort of mandala I painted to hang on the wall at the hospital. When I was six I learned this way to meditate involving moving through a blue tunnel-like ring (the busy mind chatter), then yellow (deeper mind chatter), and finally, through a silver star (the end of the tunnel). I had a construction paper model of this when I was a kid. Oddly, it is still the method I use to meditate and it's been the precursor to many powerful visualizations.

Another is a sculpture Daniel made from a visualization I had during a childbirth class meditation. We were supposed to be imagining the hardest part of labor and envisioning what we were doing. Most people shared a very realistic vision. In mine, I was screaming roughly and had tree branches coming out of my head. Yup. I swear I never did any hallucinegenic drugs. Daniel decided to sculpt his understanding of my vision. It's a rather intense sculpture with a strong sense of grounding in the massive tree-root legs. We'll bring it with. Afterwards, it will be a present for the doula. The doula service she is a part of is called MotherTree.

And last is a medicine bag we created for the baby. At the shower, all the guests held a little lentil in their hands and filled it with good energy, wishes and intentions. The lentils were collected and will be placed in a little bag. I'll bring that bag with and may hold on to it during labor.

Is all that hokey? I dunno. But I feel like I need to arm myself. I wish I could think of another way to say that. I'd love to have that feeling of giving birth being a natural process that my body can do without outside influence. And maybe with the help of Daniel and the doula, I can still make the experience into my ideal vision. Send good thoughts.

Soon the little lentil will be introduced to the world.

An Unexpected Trip

It's that Murphy's Law thing: You take your car to the mechanic because it's making a noise. As soon as you get there, the car stops making the noise. You swear it was doing it just moments ago and the mechanic just looks at you like you're neurotic.

Midwives don't tend to look at you like you're neurotic. Thank God. I called this morning because all day yesterday I hardly felt the baby moving. Usually, he's an active little guy, surprising me with sudden strong kicks or stretching out and making my stomach lopsided. So, this morning I called to get a little reassurance. I know that babies in the womb are individuals and sometimes they have up days and some times they're more quiet, but I also know that the moving is something you're supposed to pay close attention to.

I was asked to come in immediately to another "non-stress test" (which is anything but not stressful). I went to my clinic and waited for 20 or 30 minutes. Family Maternity Center and Maternal Care Center sounded the same to me, I guess. I was told that, oops, the midwife, Mary (I like her a lot - I wouldn't mind at all if she delivered our baby) was waiting for me at the hospital. Ack. I didn't know I'd be going to the hospital. Now I'm sad that Daniel wasn't with me because I was about to get a glimpse of where we're going to go on the big day. Oh well.

Finally find the place and get set up in one of the delivery rooms. Pretty nice, actually, though the lack of a tub was a bummer (showers only). I get all hooked up and of course, the baby starts moving. Like, all over the place. I think he was playing "Can't Catch Me" with the monitor. Poor nurse. Just like last time, he insisted that we press the monitor (a round disk) down on him or he was outta there. Daniel had to hold this thing down on my belly for 45 minutes last time. Velcro straps be damned!

His heart rate was steady, nice and strong. But when he moved, it didn't go up a lot. They left me on this monitor for almost an hour until they were satisfied (as opposed to the 20 minutes planned). They also took my blood pressure which was surprisingly high (155/91). I've traditionally had excellent blood pressure. There is a condition called Pre-Eclampsia that can show up suddenly in late pregnancy, characterized by high blood pressure. It's often why women get put on bed rest.

With the results of the two tests, Mary decides we need to have two blood tests and an ultrasound. Crap. Now I'm really wishing Daniel was there. Murphy's Law: He took off work tomorrow for the ultrasound that I am now having today, and of course, he can't get off now, or get there in time even if he could. Blech. Fine. I'm a big girl. I can do it myself.

I have no idea what the blood tests were for despite asking three times. One had to do with the blood pressure, the other with diabetes. The blood pressure one came back normal and we'll find out about the diabetes one on Thursday.

The ultrasound. I got put on one of those gurney things and wheeled down to Diagnostic Imaging. Do. NOT. Like. Gurneys. No. No. No. Felt like I was being wheeled to some traumatic experimental surgery that would reveal a chronic debilitating something or other. Yeah. I'd have rather walked. The ultrasound guy was all business - didn't let me watch on a monitor, pressed really hard on the belly, then left me there for 45 minutes until someone came to get me. I fell asleep. Deep, snoring loudly sleep.

Oh, back story - the ultrasound that was scheduled for tomorrow was to check the amount of amniotic fluid I have. Apparently, in the last three weeks, I've suddenly begun to measure large. Too much amniotic fluid can cause some birth complications (like the umbilical cord coming out first when my water breaks, and subsequently being crushed by the baby's head requiring an emergency c-section). Needless to say, I've been a bit worried about this (add to the fifty other complications I seem to have developed).

The upshot. Everything looks good. My amniotic fluid is normal. The baby is doing fine. I do still have gestational diabetes, but it looks like its under control. They'll keep a close eye on the blood pressure. I'm ordered two days of bed rest (that I'm ignoring to write this). Also, I find it way more stressful to NOT do my work than to do it. But don't worry, I'm taking a nap after this.

And last, but not least, the nurse explained to me that with almost all Gestational Diabetic moms they'll induce labor BEFORE 40 weeks - usually at 39 weeks. So, Daniel may get his wish of sharing his birthday with his baby afterall.

A DVD just for our little lentil!

I really hate that I can't just drink a glass of milk without it being "snack time". Enough said. I am REALLY looking forward to the GD (gestational diabetes) being over. You wouldn't believe the amounts of carbs that seemingly innocuous things have. Massive suckage.

Worse though, I've learned twice now, is low blood sugar. It's down right scary. It starts with me being exhausted. But I'm eight months pregnant so it's hard to know that it's not normal. Then I wake up really needing to eat. Only I'm too shaky and about to pass out. It's really not good. Thank God Daniel has been home both times it's happened. This time I called the doctor and she's adjusting when I take my medication. Gah! I can't wait til this is over! Did I mention that already?

Looking forward to the shower. I wish we'd been able to plan better and invite our out of state friends and family WAAAAY earlier. But, it just didn't happen. We're going to have a video camera set up in Savannah's room (Aimee's daughter) and have everyone leave messages for our kid to watch when he's older. I'm hoping that everyone who can't make it will record a message (maybe with a digital camera that has video ability) and send it to us so we can add it.
What a great treat for our son!

Oh yeah, I bought the green paint. :)

Finally!

I was afraid it wasn't going to happen. But it has. At last.

NESTING!

I've been hit. Despite having a deadline today, I have done NOTHING but draw out floor plans to rearrange all the furniture. This is very bad, work wise. Shunning a deadline is no small matter. But in truth, I'm a bit relieved too. With the loss of some mobility, I'd lost my desire to knit baby clothes, clean the house, re-pot the plants, etc.

But oh no, not anymore. Now I want to rearrange and paint furniture and buy accessories like coat hooks and throw pillows. We bought new couches yesterday. I know. I know. Not exactly a priority when there is so much baby stuff that needs to be bought too. It's my dad's fault. (*grin* hi dad!) Rather than couch hunting for his new house, he wanted to buy ours from us. Which are white. And Daniel hates. And really, it was a good situation. It helped offset the cost of the new ones. We've been looking for weeks (at least it feels like weeks) and found a set that we could both live with. Not either of our ideals, but then our little living room is very very far from ideal. They're being delivered tomorrow (at which time I will use my large pregnant belly to kindly ask the movers to take the loveseat upstairs to the office).

And now I have a whole plan for the living room. Unfortunately, it involves painting some furniture. (Specifically, the red cd binder box on wheels needs become a nice rich grassy green.) I hate that I can't be around the stuff (paint). It will have to wait I guess. *sigh*

And we need more house plants! Big ones! Tall ones! And a couple pots! And a new wall cabinet to display Daniel's sculptures. And coat hooks! And a basket to hang on the wall for hats and scarves and gloves.

LOL! Never mind that our old offices/bedrooms-to-be are still in the early stages of being moved around (a huge, very hard job!) and that the office upstairs is far from finished. Oy! I need an enthusiastic-organization-cleaning-decorating fairy!

And I need to finish my WORK that is due in 2 hours. Ack.

The 49 Day Countdown

First-time babies are typically late. Your due date comes (and you're so so so soooo ready for it to be done)... and your due date passes. The majority of first time mom's deliver in the 41st or 42nd week. Not me, though. I learned today that one way or another, I'll be having this baby by November 21st. Apparently with all my complications (and there are even more - gestational diabetes is creating a lot of havoc) they won't LET me go past Novemeber 21st.

So, we have to hope I go into labor naturally before then. Daniel would really like it if the baby was born on his birthday, November 13th. I'd be cool with that. Of course, we want the baby to stay in the womb as long as possible because that's healthiest. But they consider you "full-term at 37 weeks" and Daniel's birthday is at 39 weeks. And the baby would be a scorpio. A ninja baby (I already suspect he is - or at least in ninja training).

If that doesn't happen, though, they will induce labor. And there is a third scenario...

When I get to the hospital (either because I'm in labor or because it's past 40 weeks and they're going to induce labor), they will do an ultrasound and measure how big the baby is (he's currently around 4lbs). If the baby is bigger than 11lbs the will "offer" (read: insist) on a c-section. If this kid is 11lbs, I will have a c-section. Done. With my pelvic problem and the potential dangers (to the baby) of delivering a kid that big, it's kind of a no-brainer. Funny that needing a c-section used to be my worst fear. Interesting note that Daniel was 10lbs 9oz when he was born. Biiiiig baby.

In other news, we found a doula we like. I REALLY like her. Even if I have c-section, she will keep us calm and centered, AND she will go with the baby if they need to do anything (very likely) and advocate for us with OUR values (ie - not give the baby sugar water and let me breastfeed instead). I think I would be a mess if Daniel had to leave me to go with the baby and I was left all alone. I hate the idea of the baby be taken out of my sight. But we'll see.

Last but not least, we FINALLY got our shower invites out. I feel TERRIBLE that it took so long and I know that most of our out of state friends and family aren't going to be able to make it. I was really conflicted as to if I should send an invite to people I know can't come. What would Emily Post do? I sent them anyway because I still want everyone to be involved as much as possible. Our geographic spread may be wide, but that just means there is love in more in places in the world.

:)