A Patch of Grass

We are four months old!

2010-03-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

Wooowee it's been a while. Okay, so, I've been trying to figure out a solution to all the photo posting and I think I've got it. I've uploaded everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, to a flikr.com account. They like you to have an account to look at pics, but you don't have to. Use this link and sign in a guest. Please, please let me know if this doesn't work or is a pain in the ass.

http://flickr.com/gp/44479457@N06/3i44Sh

But here are some recent pics.

The Blue Scarf

MerBaby

And how we spent the weekend (well, one afternoon of it anyway)

We went to the Crystal Springs Rhodadendron Garden and looked at ducks, flowers, and changed the baby on a park bench.

Mr. Ilke and Luca with his new vantage point (ie - big enough to face out)

Oh yes. <3 Portland.

Dry ground. Outside even.

And we like it. A lot!

Mmmmm. Fingers mixed with sleeve.

Far from the weirdest place I've changed the baby.

We also visited Mysterio this weekend...

Yeah, that's what I think too, Luca.

Oy, are we behind...

2010-01-19T02:27:00.000-08:00

Luca is about a week away from 3 months old. He's loving trying to balance his weight on his legs in a standing position - he hardly ever lets me hold him cradled like a baby anymore. He's making lots of noises, LOVES his little rattle that he can actually hold on to, and LOVES this squeaky toy teether giraffe we got him. He's at least a month or two away from teething, but Sophie Giraffe squeaks and "kisses" his cheeks and it makes him so excited that his little arms and legs go wild.

He's also been practicing his smiling. And that, my friends, is pretty damn fantastic. Here is a glimpse of Luca's first smiles:

And a few photos:

Alright, little man. We're about to go on a road trip to San Francisco. Cross your fingers for us all.

Settling in to parenthood

2009-12-17T13:59:00.000-08:00

These are in reverse chronological order starting around November 22nd to just a few days ago.

Daniel and Luca. Even at 8lbs. Luca is still so so tiny.

One of the deciding factors when we bought our new couches was how well it would work as a photo backdrop for baby. :)

Little froggie.

A friend of my dad's knit these awesome blue socks for Luca. At the time, they are more like leg warmers. Everytime I see this picture of Luca I laugh.

No bigger than a handtowel.

It's been super rainy here - much too soggy and cold to take the baby out for a walk in - so, one day, Daniel put Luca in his new stroller and pushed him all around the house following me where ever I went. Yes, I was chased by a little dinosaur going, "Raaawr!" (Though, I suspect it was Daniel making the sound effects.)

Luca had a professional photo shot at the studio Daniel works at. He was photographed by Daniel's colleague, Saskia. It was super fun and I think they want to shoot him again at 3 months, 6 months and 9 months even though he peed all over the props and us. Three times total. I believe you'll be seeing some of their gorgeous shots soon. Here Daniel is taking a break to feed him.

Finger feeding Luca in the car. We were having to supplement feedings this way for a while, but now he only getting nursed and bottle-fed.

He's starting to stay awake on car rides more often now.

Oh, so full!

Kathrine, one of my colleagues, sent Luca this awesome little sleeping outfit that is WAY too big on him now, but at the rate he's growing, not for long. I love this shot. Makes me think of Whirling Dervishes.

LucaSol. A super hero with his fishy cape and duck feet.

Luca enjoying one of his swings. Okay, it may not look like "enjoying" but he wasn't crying or fussing, so we took that to mean he was enjoying it. Or at least, thinking about enjoying it.

"...And then the monster came around the corner and crept up like this..."

"...where did he go?"

"...and then he jumped out and said, 'RAAAWR!' I nearly peed my pants. Wait... I did pee my pants."

"But my papa was there to take care of me."

"I luvs you, papa!"

We took Luca to breakfast.

One Luca with a side of hashbrowns, please. And some sugar for my coffee. Thanks!

The end of autumn. Luca on his walk to breakfast.

That's all for now. :)

More Luca Pics - Week three

2009-11-20T01:32:00.000-08:00

Lots of sleeping Luca. He does that quite a bit. Tomorrow, Saturday is his "developmental birthday" as Daniel calls it - aka, the day he was due. In real days though, he is just three or four days shy of one month old. One month. Wow does time fly.

He really liked Lane.

I think this might be his favorite sleeping place. (Daniel's too.)

How we spent Daniel's birthday. Scrabble. Donuts. Pete. Papa. Baby. Daniel won the game.

Some Lovlies

2009-11-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

Alright, Pop-pop, I know he looks a little grumpy here, but its mostly because he's still a little small for the car seat (hence all the blankets rolled up around his head to wedge him in). In the nursery he had to do a car seat "challenge" because he was a premie, where he had to sit in the car seat for an hour while they monitored his breathing and heartrate. I'm happy to say that he passed with flying colors. Usually, he falls asleep within a few minutes of being buckled in. I can't say for sure, but I think this bodes well for car trips in the future.

And check out these lovlies! The koala is from our friend Jen Proctor (who also brought us fresh baked raspberry pie a couple days ago! *luv*), and the awesome little hedgehog was made by our very talented Carly Quinn. Target has a line of hedgehog clothes and blankets and I think I might need to indulge just because this little guy is so damn cute!

(I'm not sure why, but the images are getting cut off a bit. If you click on them, you get the full image.)

Two Weeks Old

2009-11-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

Luca is two weeks old today. He's doing great. He weighs 6 lbs now, which is fabulous! We're going to turn him into a chubby baby yet! Here are a bunch of pictures to celebrate his two weeks old!

Oh the CUTE! This happened when we were trying on clothes that *might* fit him. We thought this little red jumpsuit from Donna & Philip might be a contender, but it was waaaay to big. We have a TON of clothes, but almost nothing fits his littleness. But at the rate he's going, we'll just hold out for a bit and he'll fit all those cute clothes in no time.

LucaSolOne - even the name is hip-hop ready.

LucaSolOne getting down...

The first of power. Luca's favorite pooping position. Not to be confused with his favorite yawning position involving TWO fists of power. Rocking the argyle socks from his Great Great Aunt Bea.

What gang is my baby in?

Grandpa holding his grandson for the first time.

This quilt was given to us at the nursery. it was made by a girl scout for the babies who have to stay there. I'd like to get a photo of Luca wrapped up in it for the maker.

Patty, one of the most amazing nurses at Providence. We had a LOT of fantastic nurses, but Patty was both my nurse and Luca's many times and she was particularly wonderful.

Luca getting weighed. Why does his hair look radioactive?

Tummy Time! Luca is surprisingly strong. Yesterday he lifted his head and turned it the other way. He also does a lot of kicking that inches him up the quilt. We may have an early crawler on our hands. Time will tell. He does seem quite strong though.

Rockin' the argyles on the quilt Katherine made him.

Hi baby!

Prezzies from Groove11! THIRTY!!!!!! cupcakes from Saint Cupcake!

A fantastic welcome home surprise from Sabrina! Our door covered in flowers and stars!

And now for a couple videos...

Luca's first bath! He wasn't so sure about it at first, but he warmed up to it. And the monkey towel from my cousin Christine & Eric was hit!

Luca's first time in his playard from Uncle Mark and Aunt Sue!

That's all for now. Time to feed the hiccuping baby

Boob Talk

2009-11-04T02:09:00.000-08:00

I've finally been hit by a stroke of brilliance. Or, perhaps more likely, it's common sense that's been eluding me (which I blame hormones for)...

How Not to Get Any Sleep No Matter How Tired You Are or How Much Time You Have:

Every three hours:
1. Pump breast milk which makes you so sleepy (also the fault of hormones) that you're not sure you have the energy to actually go feed the baby. (20-30 minutes)
2. Feed the baby because you're not going to not feed the baby no matter how sleepy you are. (30 minutes)
3. While feeding, yawn a couple times. (time begins to lose meaning)
4. Cuddle the baby to sleep which has the opposite effect on you. You are now wide awake and can't tear yourself from staring at the sleeping baby. (time, what's time?)
5. Go back to room with an hour and half in which to get to sleep. Stare at wall and wonder why you can't sleep.

The stroke of brilliance? Pump AFTER feeding the baby.

Speaking of all this breast milk business, Luca started breastfeeding today. It was so awesome, I cried. A lot.

The feeding prior, the nurse tried a new nipple on the bottle of breast milk and Luca sucked it all down vigorously in no time. Then, when I fed him three hours later, I decided to do it skin-to-skin (him naked on my bare chest), and I used the same nipple and he did it again, and in record time. That alone was fantastic! But then, as I was holding him afterward, he kept showing signs of wanting to breastfeed: sucking on his fist, his fingers, rooting with his mouth wide open, smacking his lips, and putting his hand on my breast. But we'd been struggling to get him to eat his "prescribed" amount of milk as it was, so it seemed unlikely he would be hungry right after sucking down a whole bottle. Nevertheless, the signs were there. So I asked the nurse and she also thought it unlikely. I put my finger in his mouth, though, and he went to town, sucking on it like he was starving. So, I thought, well, why not give it a shot? He latched like he'd done it a million times and really started eating. This is when I started crying. The nurse peeked around the drape and I was so broken up I couldn't even tell her. Not that she needed telling. It was pretty obvious.

Luca has really turned a corner on the eating front. He's not yet ready to exclusively breastfeed, but he's well on his way. For now, we still need to be sure he's getting a certain amount of milk, and that is "fortified" so it's higher calorie. The fortifier is a powder that I mix into the pumped breast milk. I do feel good that I can feed him breast milk, though this whole experience has made me much more flexible in so many ways.

Not yet

2009-11-02T09:53:00.001-08:00

*sigh* We have to stay longer, until Luca gets better at eating and gains a little more weight. Very disappointed even though I know its for the best. Hopefully, we'll be home by Thursday.

Daniel and Luca

2009-11-02T03:28:00.000-08:00

It worked!

2009-11-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

Thank you all so much for all the thoughts, wishes and prayers. Luca is most likely coming home tomorrow. As you can imagine, Daniel and I are very excited. I think we're going to cocoon for at least a day, maybe tomorrow and the next, before we have people over to meet him. I'm trying to fight my tendency to overdo it, but I may not hold out until Wednesday before coming out of the cocoon. We'll see.

So, here is what they think happened:

As you probably know, I had Gestational Diabetes during pregnancy that required me to take a blood sugar lowering medication. We were told that he would probably need an IV to bring up his blood sugar levels when he was born. In the womb, Luca's pancreas produced a lot of insulin to deal with my high blood sugar. Then, when he came out and was no longer getting my high blood sugar, all that extra insulin made his own blood sugar plummet. And plummet it did. At the super low level of blood sugar he had just after birth, he could have easily been having seizures and worse. Thank God he didn't.

The IV not working was unexpected. The doctors are thinking that he still had a lot of the medication I took running through his system. There was a lot of discussion about the half-life of the medicine. The treatment would be two-fold: be patient as the medication worked its way out of his system and get him eating protein (milk) so that his body had something longer lasting than glucose to digest. The big problems arose when he needed so much glucose to keep his bs normal AND he couldn't keep milk down. Needing more glucose than they were giving him meant the IV would have to go through a larger vein which would require the NICU.

The night we got that news was a long one. The nursery nurse that saw Luca (and a very emotional Ilona) through the night looked completely haggard the next morning. It was not looking good. But we asked everyone to send good thoughts, and by that next afternoon, he had held down food repeatedly. By that evening, he was clearly on the mend.

I am so grateful to everyone who has cared for him, physically, virtually, by taking care of us, or in any way at all. THANK YOU!

All he has left to do now is learn to suck. But that will come in time, and until then, we know how to feed him. I am so extremely excited to take him home and introduce him to everyone!

Watch out, world...Here I come...

Light Candles, Say Prayers, Fight! Fight! Fight!

2009-10-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

Day Three is coming to a close. Little Luca has been "on the outside" since 9am Tuesday morning. At 9am tomorrow he'll have 72 hours under his belt. Or, under his diaper edge as he's not quite wearing belts yet. Lame joke, sorry. Just need to relieve a little tension.

It's been a bit tough the last couple days, and especially today. Luca has been in the nursery hooked up to an IV and a variety of monitors (oxygen, heart rate, skin temperature, etc.). No one can go into the nursery except me and Daniel (though a very nice nurse snuck my dad in so he could meet the baby). Usually, the baby stays in your room with you and you get all that time to cuddle and bond. It's quite a bit more difficult to cuddle with wires everywhere. We take every opportunity we can get though! Poor little guy is the only baby in there.

It had seemed on Tuesday night that Luca's blood sugars had been stabilized and they would be able to begin weening him off the IV Wednesday morning. In order to do that though, he has to start eating. Even though he breastfed quite well right after birth, since then he seemed to have forgotten how to suck.

We made some valiant attempts at breast feeding again, but whenever I hold him, boob or not, he immediately falls right asleep. Very sweet, and it is still wonderful for the baby and me, but it doesn't meet our goal. So, they tried giving him formula with a special kind of bottle. With that, they began lowering the amount of sugar in the IV from 12 units to 10. For four readings (4 hours apart), his blood sugar stayed at 43-48. Not ideal (above 50), but pretty good. But then it dropped to 30 and stayed at 30. And he started spitting up the formula or gagging on it.

They upped the sugar again back up to 12. The problem is that sugar water, while it works to quickly bring the blood sugar up, is a quick fix. Like giving him kool-aid. And, at two days old, he needs to start eating for real. Plus, protein will help stabilize his blood sugar.

The whole thing is overwhelming and upsetting. Luca's little heels have been poked so many times that they are all bruised, along with this hand where they tried to get the IV in and popped a vein, and his other hand with the IV and the giant foam wrapper to keep it in place (looks like Hellboy's Right Hand of Doom). On top of that, I still have lots of hormones making me a little wacky. I was assured that day 3 is when most new moms start to freak out and get hysterical - even when their babies are just fine.

Now they are feeding him through a tube down his throat. It's no fun to watch, but he's keeping the food down and that is MAJOR! I've also been able to finger feed him some colostrum (the early breast milk that contains tons and tons of antibodies). The hope now is that this "real" food will stabilize his blood sugar enough to ween him off the IV.

Good news is that his sucking reflex has started to kick in. Daniel fed him a bunch of colostrom from his finger and he had a good, strong, consistent suck going. That is very reassuring because it means he may be able to feed from a bottle (or even the boob) soon and no longer need the tube.

Other really great things are that he really knows us and is very calmed by us. Daniel had an important talk with Luca's body this evening :) and we both spent some time surrounding him in white, healing light.

I've been told some pretty scary things about him maybe needing to be transfered to an Newborn Intensive Care Unit at another hospital, but I think he's going to pull through really soon. Maybe tonight.

Please, please send your thoughts and love to our little guy. He's had a bit of a fight so far and he isn't out of the woods yet.

I'm getting released tomorrow (I think), but obviously Luca isn't. The hospital is letting me stay as a "boarder". Thank God! Because there is no way that Daniel or I would leave him. So, basically, we're here probably through the weekend and maybe even Monday or Tuesday.

Day Two

2009-10-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

Luca is now 49 hours old.

I'm super groggy and drugged and keep typing horridly, so until a little later when I'll hopefully be more up to writing, here is a short video Daniel shot last night before bed. This is Luca caught unawares by the camera light. I particularly love the "pffffft" at the end.

Luca Sol Wall

2009-10-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

Luca Sol was born at 9:11am on Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
5 lbs, 7 oz

The story...

I came into the hospital last night (Monday) at 6pm for another poorly named Non-Stress Test. My dad came with because Daniel is super sick with the flu or a bad cold. The NST measures the baby's heart rate in relation to when he moves or I have a contraction - it should go up a tad for a certain amount of time. After an hour, they weren't seeing it go up enough. So, they asked me to stay the night to be monitored throughout the night. *eye roll* I also had an ultrasound that revealed that I had too little amniotc fluid (in complete opposition to earlier in my preggersness).

I had to convince Daniel to stay home and my dad left around 11pm. After declining a sleeping pill - because I do NOT need help sleeping - I fnally fell asleep around 1am. At 3am, I was woken up by a nurse bustling in because the baby's heart rate had dropped way low. Happened a week before during monitoring. Probably not a big deal.

After that though, his heart rate, while normal, never really picked up when he moved or even during contractions. In fact, during contractions it dropped. Not good.

At 7am, Daniel came to the hospital looking quite a bit better - though I could tell it was a disguise.. :) At 7:15, I put my hands on my belly and asked the baby if it was time to come out. Somewhere in me, I knew. Ten minutes later a doctor came in and told me that he wanted to "prepare me" for the likelyhood that I'd be having the baby... today. Then the real surprise - by cesarian. The drops in the baby's heart rate during really mild contractions meant that he wouldn't be able to handle going through labor.

Trying to keep my cool, I asked what the timeline for all this was. "About an hour."

Daniel and I stare at each other. Stunned Silence.

Our Doula came, calming me down right away. And then it was time. Daniel dressed in scrubs. Now, I'm not afraid of needles. What I am afraid of is two things - spinal cord damage and anestesia, esp. the latter. I had a bad experience with some Nitrous Oxide many years ago and I'm afraid it scarred me.

A nurse, Aime held me while I got the shot in the back twice. I'd like to say that was the wost part, but the dry wretching with a 2/3 numb body freaked me out quite a bit. As soon as it passed though, I was completely blissed out. Daniel came in the room and sat near my head. I spent the first third of the procedure goofily staring at Daniel telling him how much I love him. And then I heard the baby cry and spent the last two thirds crying deliriously happily. That baby cry is heavenly!!!

Daniel held him like a pro (much to my surprise) and we just cuddled and cooed at the baby while they stitched me back up. Back in our room, I breastfed him. I gotta say, I was rather convinced that nothing was going to come out, but I was wrong indeed. It was a little tough because I was still numb including my arms. But hey, I let the doula and the nurse manhandle my boobs and it was all fine. Luca was raring to go and breast fed for a full hour. He was looking and acting great!

We had been warned many times that he would probably be born with low blood sugar thanks to my gestational diabetes and that he would probably need an IV. But he looked so good on arrival that they didn't do the test for two hours. When they finally did, it was low. Shockingly low. A 3 for anyone who understands BS numbers. They retested three times on different machines. Because, really, he just wasn't acting like his blood sugar was so low. Well, it was and they took him to the "Level 2 Nursery" for care. Daniel went with.

For my part, I was so exhausted that my eyes keept drooping. That's about where we are now. Daniel has spent a lot of time at the nursery with the baby. I only managed a short visit later on with my inscison. The baby's blood sugars are stabilized and now they have to ween him off the IV. It will probably take a couple days. We're in the hospital until Friday morning assuming nothing goes wrong. I might be okay enough to walk by tomorrow morning and EAT!!!!!

Dudes... I am so in love. With my husband and his incredible calm, devotion, and persisitence. And now with Baby Luca. His cry just fills me with joy. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.

Want to see some photos?

Welcome to the world, Luca

Getting ready...

My first glance

Daniel has made sure to touch and hold the baby a lot! He's going to be such a good papa!
In the nursery....

My first visit to the nursery. The glassy-eyed look would be thanks to the df

Yup. Luca, you are your papa's son. :)

So, so, so excited!!

A day one video...

November 2, 2009

2009-10-23T16:11:00.001-07:00

On the evening of Sunday, November 1st, labor will be induced. It takes time for labor to be in full swing. We will be having this baby sometime on Monday, November 2nd. There is a small chance it could go as long as the 3rd, but that's unlikely. I hope. :)

Very very very very excited. And just a wee bit scared.

Relief

2009-10-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

Daniel and I have decided that this pregnancy is "Undercover Healthy". But first I will tell you about our latest adventures.

On Monday evening we went to the hospital for another Non-Stress Test (NST) and Ultrasound to test the level of Amniotic Fluid around the baby (called an AFI). A while back, I had too much fluid which isn't the worst thing in the world (and goes hand in hand with Gestational Diabetes) but can cause seriously complications during labor. Well, it seems that as soon as the diabetes got under control, so did the fluid levels. They are now totally normal (65th percentile, where before they were in the 95th).

We were about 30 minutes into the NST, just Daniel and I alone in the room, giggling and listing to the baby's heartbeat. Then suddenly it didn't sound quite right. We've heard this kid's heart beat a LOT and it's been consistently very strong and steady at around 140 bpm. Now we were scratching our heads wondering if what we were hearing was MY heartbeat since it was so much slower.

Moments later our nurse returned and seconds after that our tiny observation was filled with seven nurses in a flurry of panic and activity. Oxygen mask. And one kept strapping a band around my arm in different spots to put a IV in. I was, quite admittedly, freaking out. Before they could the IV in, I demanded to know what was going on. Well, they didn't know, but they wanted to make sure the baby was okay. I needed to know what was in the IV bag before they stuck the needle in. Just fluids to keep me hydrated. I tried to keep my focus on Daniel who was very reassuring. The whole thing was very, very, VERY upsetting.

The baby was fine. They suggested that maybe he had just rolled over on his cord for a moment and that this could happen all the time, but since they aren't monitoring all the time, we don't know about it and thus, it's treated as an emergency. The whole thing was fucked up.

But there is good news. We had the ultrasound after that and they ordered a complete "Bio Physical Profile" (BPP) - basically, a very complete ultrasound where they check everything. The result? Everything is really good. The baby is getting great blood flow through the umbilical cord from the placenta, and as they score the test, it came out 8 out 8. The protiens they were testing for during the 24 hour stay have completely gone away. My blood sugars have all been really steady and controlled for weeks now.

Undercover Healthy. :)

Alright, if you're still reading, here is the most important news. We're very likely going to be having this baby on November 1st. They will be inducing labor (unless I manage to go into labor on my own which is unlikely) on the evening of October 31st. I'll be 37 weeks - technically full-term. Induction usually takes a long time (just like regualr labor, only we'll have to do it at the hospital) and so he'll probably come out on the 1st.

Of course, in an ideal world, we'd be having a completely natural water birth. The GD and now the pre-eclampsia have removed that possibility. The longer the baby stays inside, the more unhealthy the environment becomes for him. At 37 weeks, his lungs are fully mature and it's unlikely that he'll have to stay at the hospital. Not to mention that pre-eclampsia is rather scary for me. The high-blood pressure can cause seizures and even death. Yeah. Do. Not. Want. Daniel has been really strict with keeping me on bed rest. He's amazing. Have I mentioned that?

So, induction involves the use of Pitocin. It is the synthetic version of the hormone Oxytocin (the love hormone) that is what normally starts labor. With luck, that will be the only unnatural part of this. Pitocin "inspires" the uterus to begin contracting. Maybe Friday we'll be trying some "natural" ways to induce labor. Accupressure among them. No guarantee that it'll work, but it probably won't hurt.

We have a wonderful doula who will be with us the whole time. She has already played a remarkable role in helping me feel like we have ownership over this experience (not something that the hospital tends to inspire). I also suspect that she was vital to the protien thing being resolved. She told me to eat 5-10 hard boiled eggs and take liquid calcium magnesium. I was giggling inside at the hippieness of it, but I did it and the turn around was incredible. Complete reversal of the amount of protiens found.

What happens now? After the 24 stay, faced with the reality that we might be having this baby a lot sooner than expected, the doula suggested that I really try to prepare. I've been really focused on saying goodbye to my pregnancy. I'm feeling much more ready. And having a date (a luxury most women don't get) really helps. I'm incredibly excited and I feel like I don't have to go around each day being afraid that today is the day. I've also decided that this Tuesday will be my last day of work (and Daniel's for that matter). We can spend the last few days together, holed up in our nest, filling the house with good energy for when the baby comes home.

I'm thinking he won't care too much if its not spotless. :)

And so it goes...

2009-10-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, Daniel and I went to our standard midwife visit. She comes in (actually, she's not a midwife, but an MD - my special conditions mean we get to see the program director of the midwifery clinic quite frequently) and asks how I am.

"I'm SO ready to be done," I tell her.

Five minutes later she says, "You're not going to like this, but you need to go the hospital right now and stay there for 24 hours for observation. And you might be having your baby today."

blink

blink

An hour later, laying in a hospital bed in shock one thing was very, very clear. I'm not ready at all.

I mentioned pre-eclampsia in my last post. It's a collection of symptoms characterized primarily by sudden high-blood pressure and protein in the urine (from damage to the tiny blood vessels in the kidneys that begin leaking the protien in your blood). Fun stuff. The danger is eclampsia - siezures that can be deadly.

I'll admit it. I'm a little scared. Even though I sense that everything is going to be fine, it's still a little scary. Daniel asked me to have my dad come over while he is at work in case anything happens. Highly unlikely, but better to be safe than sorry.

Obviously, I didn't have the baby yet. From all we can tell, he's doing well. Nice and strong. But pre-eclampsia is a progressive disease and other than trying to control how fast it progresses, the only cure is to deliver the baby. So, I'm on bed rest. Everyone we spoke to, even our doula (also a midwife) who is a huge advocate of letting things progress naturally and tends to think hospitals overreact, made it clear that it would likely be no more than a week and half to two weeks before I had to have the baby.

I'd love to keep the little guy in for another three weeks. That would rock. But I'm alert to any of the danger signs. The only way I can see prolonging it is to stop working completely, which is what will likely happen. We have another round of tests at the hospital this evening, so we'll see what happens before the decision is final. I've already cut down to only one project and its one I could do in my sleep. I've worked on this project for years now and its very dear to my heart and not at all easy to give up. So...we'll see.

I feel like the whole idea of a birth plan, and what I want the birth to go like, is out the window. The more complications I have, the more I'm at the mercy of the hospital system. In the back of my mind, I know this isn't entirely true. I'm going to meet with our doula tomorrow night and this, I think, will be the main focus of our meeting. I'm feeling very grateful that she is a midwife and that her ability to advocate for us in the hospital is strong. I'm also grateful that everytime I've talked to her, I've instantly felt better, calmer.

At this point, what I'd like more than anything is to go into labor naturally. There are a lot of old wives' tales to make that happen, but no way to simply make it happen for sure. I'm afraid of having labor induced with pitocin, which makes contractions much more painful, thus requiring an epidural that I don't want, which could make labor slow down, thus requiring more pitocin, thus placing a lot of pressure on the baby and then we have an emergency c-section. I'm very afraid that is the course my labor is going to take. I'd seriously rather schedule a c-section.

I have made efforts to overcome my fears. Meditative things that I'd like to do or have available during labor.

One is a sort of mandala I painted to hang on the wall at the hospital. When I was six I learned this way to meditate involving moving through a blue tunnel-like ring (the busy mind chatter), then yellow (deeper mind chatter), and finally, through a silver star (the end of the tunnel). I had a construction paper model of this when I was a kid. Oddly, it is still the method I use to meditate and it's been the precursor to many powerful visualizations.

Another is a sculpture Daniel made from a visualization I had during a childbirth class meditation. We were supposed to be imagining the hardest part of labor and envisioning what we were doing. Most people shared a very realistic vision. In mine, I was screaming roughly and had tree branches coming out of my head. Yup. I swear I never did any hallucinegenic drugs. Daniel decided to sculpt his understanding of my vision. It's a rather intense sculpture with a strong sense of grounding in the massive tree-root legs. We'll bring it with. Afterwards, it will be a present for the doula. The doula service she is a part of is called MotherTree.

And last is a medicine bag we created for the baby. At the shower, all the guests held a little lentil in their hands and filled it with good energy, wishes and intentions. The lentils were collected and will be placed in a little bag. I'll bring that bag with and may hold on to it during labor.

Is all that hokey? I dunno. But I feel like I need to arm myself. I wish I could think of another way to say that. I'd love to have that feeling of giving birth being a natural process that my body can do without outside influence. And maybe with the help of Daniel and the doula, I can still make the experience into my ideal vision. Send good thoughts.

Soon the little lentil will be introduced to the world.

An Unexpected Trip

2009-10-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's that Murphy's Law thing: You take your car to the mechanic because it's making a noise. As soon as you get there, the car stops making the noise. You swear it was doing it just moments ago and the mechanic just looks at you like you're neurotic.

Midwives don't tend to look at you like you're neurotic. Thank God. I called this morning because all day yesterday I hardly felt the baby moving. Usually, he's an active little guy, surprising me with sudden strong kicks or stretching out and making my stomach lopsided. So, this morning I called to get a little reassurance. I know that babies in the womb are individuals and sometimes they have up days and some times they're more quiet, but I also know that the moving is something you're supposed to pay close attention to.

I was asked to come in immediately to another "non-stress test" (which is anything but not stressful). I went to my clinic and waited for 20 or 30 minutes. Family Maternity Center and Maternal Care Center sounded the same to me, I guess. I was told that, oops, the midwife, Mary (I like her a lot - I wouldn't mind at all if she delivered our baby) was waiting for me at the hospital. Ack. I didn't know I'd be going to the hospital. Now I'm sad that Daniel wasn't with me because I was about to get a glimpse of where we're going to go on the big day. Oh well.

Finally find the place and get set up in one of the delivery rooms. Pretty nice, actually, though the lack of a tub was a bummer (showers only). I get all hooked up and of course, the baby starts moving. Like, all over the place. I think he was playing "Can't Catch Me" with the monitor. Poor nurse. Just like last time, he insisted that we press the monitor (a round disk) down on him or he was outta there. Daniel had to hold this thing down on my belly for 45 minutes last time. Velcro straps be damned!

His heart rate was steady, nice and strong. But when he moved, it didn't go up a lot. They left me on this monitor for almost an hour until they were satisfied (as opposed to the 20 minutes planned). They also took my blood pressure which was surprisingly high (155/91). I've traditionally had excellent blood pressure. There is a condition called Pre-Eclampsia that can show up suddenly in late pregnancy, characterized by high blood pressure. It's often why women get put on bed rest.

With the results of the two tests, Mary decides we need to have two blood tests and an ultrasound. Crap. Now I'm really wishing Daniel was there. Murphy's Law: He took off work tomorrow for the ultrasound that I am now having today, and of course, he can't get off now, or get there in time even if he could. Blech. Fine. I'm a big girl. I can do it myself.

I have no idea what the blood tests were for despite asking three times. One had to do with the blood pressure, the other with diabetes. The blood pressure one came back normal and we'll find out about the diabetes one on Thursday.

The ultrasound. I got put on one of those gurney things and wheeled down to Diagnostic Imaging. Do. NOT. Like. Gurneys. No. No. No. Felt like I was being wheeled to some traumatic experimental surgery that would reveal a chronic debilitating something or other. Yeah. I'd have rather walked. The ultrasound guy was all business - didn't let me watch on a monitor, pressed really hard on the belly, then left me there for 45 minutes until someone came to get me. I fell asleep. Deep, snoring loudly sleep.

Oh, back story - the ultrasound that was scheduled for tomorrow was to check the amount of amniotic fluid I have. Apparently, in the last three weeks, I've suddenly begun to measure large. Too much amniotic fluid can cause some birth complications (like the umbilical cord coming out first when my water breaks, and subsequently being crushed by the baby's head requiring an emergency c-section). Needless to say, I've been a bit worried about this (add to the fifty other complications I seem to have developed).

The upshot. Everything looks good. My amniotic fluid is normal. The baby is doing fine. I do still have gestational diabetes, but it looks like its under control. They'll keep a close eye on the blood pressure. I'm ordered two days of bed rest (that I'm ignoring to write this). Also, I find it way more stressful to NOT do my work than to do it. But don't worry, I'm taking a nap after this.

And last, but not least, the nurse explained to me that with almost all Gestational Diabetic moms they'll induce labor BEFORE 40 weeks - usually at 39 weeks. So, Daniel may get his wish of sharing his birthday with his baby afterall.

A DVD just for our little lentil!

2009-10-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

I really hate that I can't just drink a glass of milk without it being "snack time". Enough said. I am REALLY looking forward to the GD (gestational diabetes) being over. You wouldn't believe the amounts of carbs that seemingly innocuous things have. Massive suckage.

Worse though, I've learned twice now, is low blood sugar. It's down right scary. It starts with me being exhausted. But I'm eight months pregnant so it's hard to know that it's not normal. Then I wake up really needing to eat. Only I'm too shaky and about to pass out. It's really not good. Thank God Daniel has been home both times it's happened. This time I called the doctor and she's adjusting when I take my medication. Gah! I can't wait til this is over! Did I mention that already?

Looking forward to the shower. I wish we'd been able to plan better and invite our out of state friends and family WAAAAY earlier. But, it just didn't happen. We're going to have a video camera set up in Savannah's room (Aimee's daughter) and have everyone leave messages for our kid to watch when he's older. I'm hoping that everyone who can't make it will record a message (maybe with a digital camera that has video ability) and send it to us so we can add it.
What a great treat for our son!

Oh yeah, I bought the green paint. :)

Finally!

2009-10-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was afraid it wasn't going to happen. But it has. At last.

NESTING!

I've been hit. Despite having a deadline today, I have done NOTHING but draw out floor plans to rearrange all the furniture. This is very bad, work wise. Shunning a deadline is no small matter. But in truth, I'm a bit relieved too. With the loss of some mobility, I'd lost my desire to knit baby clothes, clean the house, re-pot the plants, etc.

But oh no, not anymore. Now I want to rearrange and paint furniture and buy accessories like coat hooks and throw pillows. We bought new couches yesterday. I know. I know. Not exactly a priority when there is so much baby stuff that needs to be bought too. It's my dad's fault. (*grin* hi dad!) Rather than couch hunting for his new house, he wanted to buy ours from us. Which are white. And Daniel hates. And really, it was a good situation. It helped offset the cost of the new ones. We've been looking for weeks (at least it feels like weeks) and found a set that we could both live with. Not either of our ideals, but then our little living room is very very far from ideal. They're being delivered tomorrow (at which time I will use my large pregnant belly to kindly ask the movers to take the loveseat upstairs to the office).

And now I have a whole plan for the living room. Unfortunately, it involves painting some furniture. (Specifically, the red cd binder box on wheels needs become a nice rich grassy green.) I hate that I can't be around the stuff (paint). It will have to wait I guess. *sigh*

And we need more house plants! Big ones! Tall ones! And a couple pots! And a new wall cabinet to display Daniel's sculptures. And coat hooks! And a basket to hang on the wall for hats and scarves and gloves.

LOL! Never mind that our old offices/bedrooms-to-be are still in the early stages of being moved around (a huge, very hard job!) and that the office upstairs is far from finished. Oy! I need an enthusiastic-organization-cleaning-decorating fairy!

And I need to finish my WORK that is due in 2 hours. Ack.

The 49 Day Countdown

2009-10-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

First-time babies are typically late. Your due date comes (and you're so so so soooo ready for it to be done)... and your due date passes. The majority of first time mom's deliver in the 41st or 42nd week. Not me, though. I learned today that one way or another, I'll be having this baby by November 21st. Apparently with all my complications (and there are even more - gestational diabetes is creating a lot of havoc) they won't LET me go past Novemeber 21st.

So, we have to hope I go into labor naturally before then. Daniel would really like it if the baby was born on his birthday, November 13th. I'd be cool with that. Of course, we want the baby to stay in the womb as long as possible because that's healthiest. But they consider you "full-term at 37 weeks" and Daniel's birthday is at 39 weeks. And the baby would be a scorpio. A ninja baby (I already suspect he is - or at least in ninja training).

If that doesn't happen, though, they will induce labor. And there is a third scenario...

When I get to the hospital (either because I'm in labor or because it's past 40 weeks and they're going to induce labor), they will do an ultrasound and measure how big the baby is (he's currently around 4lbs). If the baby is bigger than 11lbs the will "offer" (read: insist) on a c-section. If this kid is 11lbs, I will have a c-section. Done. With my pelvic problem and the potential dangers (to the baby) of delivering a kid that big, it's kind of a no-brainer. Funny that needing a c-section used to be my worst fear. Interesting note that Daniel was 10lbs 9oz when he was born. Biiiiig baby.

In other news, we found a doula we like. I REALLY like her. Even if I have c-section, she will keep us calm and centered, AND she will go with the baby if they need to do anything (very likely) and advocate for us with OUR values (ie - not give the baby sugar water and let me breastfeed instead). I think I would be a mess if Daniel had to leave me to go with the baby and I was left all alone. I hate the idea of the baby be taken out of my sight. But we'll see.

Last but not least, we FINALLY got our shower invites out. I feel TERRIBLE that it took so long and I know that most of our out of state friends and family aren't going to be able to make it. I was really conflicted as to if I should send an invite to people I know can't come. What would Emily Post do? I sent them anyway because I still want everyone to be involved as much as possible. Our geographic spread may be wide, but that just means there is love in more in places in the world.

:)

Plan B

2009-09-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

After four days of being on this bizarre diet with worse and worse results, I called the doctor. The numbers are supposed to be under 140 and they well consistently 150-180. Every time I tested my blood, Daniel and I would let out a disappointed sigh. Very discouraging, and worse, I was getting really worried about the baby. The doctor completely agreed that the numbers were out of whack and controlling the diabetes with diet alone wasn't working. She also explained that when the blood sugars were that out of control, exercising wouldn't do any good either. So much for all those walks I took to try to lower the numbers.

So they prescribed me an oral medication that lowers blood sugar. Glyburide. I guess they don't like to prescribe insulin for gestational diabetes because gd IS almost always temporary and having to inject insulin is so traumatic. I'm not complaining. There are possible side effects to the oral med though. The baby could be born with low blood sugar and need an IV. I'll be having a more in depth conversation with the doctor next week about this.

However, my blood sugar stabilized immediately! Thank God! Oh, I still have to continue with the strange diet and blood testing. In fact, it's time to test now, so I'm signing off. :)

A "complicated" pregnancy

2009-09-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder, "How will I remember this pregnancy in the future?" Or, I imagine friends and family talking about it five years from now. "The first half of her pregnancy went well," you all say, "but she had a rough time of it in the second half." It isn't how I want to think of it, but, well, right now it certainly feels like the truth.

Waddle, Waddle, Waddle.

That's what Daniel and I like to say when I get my walk on. It's quite a sight to behold. Let me tell ya, it takes a LOT of work to waddle. Very tiring.

I'm still struggling with SPD (Symphisis Pubic Disorder), in which my joints have become too relaxed, too soon, and have made my whole pelvis very unstable. It is really surprising to learn just how much work your pelvis really does and how many bits and parts are attached to it. The condition is pretty rare, occuring in about 0.3% of pregnant women which adds another layer of difficulty because not every one knows much about it, midwives and doulas included.

Imagine having to do everything with your knees tied together. That's where I'm at. I have trouble getting in and out of the car, putting pants on (yes, really), walking up or down stairs, getting out of bed (which I have to do 5 times a night to pee), off a couch or a deep chair, and if I drop things (which I do a lot because the joints in my fingers have also relaxed), I have to just leave them or ask Daniel to pick them up. Now, as I'm getting even more ginormous, I also don't last long in supermarkets and stores, or just standing up to cook dinner. Lately, I've been wondering just how I'm going to actually deliver the baby.

So, yeah, SPD is kicking my ass. I just finished my last physical therapy appt on Wednesday, and now I have to schedule some pool time. The pool exercises are bizarre. I've never been so exhausted from trying to hold still. There's no laps or heart-rate increasing activities. Just a lot of, "move your arms and try to keep your body from swaying in the water". It's all designed to increase stability around my pelvis. Yoga, walking, swimming, or basically any form of exercise is not allowed.

What Yoga Really Is...

I've been lamenting not being able to go to prenatal yoga anymore. I really, really miss it. I've thought maybe I could go and just do the exercises that wouldn't stress my SPD, but that would be about 5% of the movements considering that most pregnant women are trying increase the flexibity of their joints. And then I would just be a distraction. So, I'm sad about yoga. But it only hit me recently what I was really missing. It's the community. Prenatal yoga isn't like regular yoga. You spend 20-30 minutes of each class going around the room with same women week after week, sharing your trials and tribulations with your pregnancy. The women who gave birth would come back and share their birth stories. It was very educational and I even made some friends. That is what I really miss. The community of women. I haven't figured out a way to get that back.

And then...

One of the tests you have to take at about 28 weeks is a glucose tolerance test. You drink this nasty super sugar water and an hour later they take your blood. I had been worried about diabetes early in pregnancy, so I asked to be tested at about 16 weeks. It was negative so I breathed easy. The recent test didn't go so well. I have to admit I felt a little shell shocked about it. Other than a brief stint of craving crap, I've eaten pretty well, I was exercising regularly... Oh wait... that's right, I had to stop exercising a few weeks before. (This is me blaming the SPD.) Anyway, I was told that I needed to take a three-hour fasting glucose test. No, not fasting for three hours. Fasting for 12 hours (no small feat for a pregnant lady), then they take your blood, give you the glucose, and test your blood every hour for three hours. I was reassured that most people's tests came out fine even if they didn't pass the one-hour test.

Not. My blood sugar was so high BEFORE they gave me the glucose that they couldn't even give me the test. The woman frowned at the result and tested again to be sure, and then had to call my doctor. I had a mini-breakdown while she was on the phone (hormones + not eating + scrary implications) and had to go get Daniel from the lobby.

So, there it is. Wham. I have Gestational Diabetes. Welcome to a whole new set of complications. I've had to meet with a diabetes councelor and start this strange new diet and learn how to prick my finger to test my blood four times a day. And I have to do it all on a very strict schedule. Test when I wake up. Eat. Test 2 hours after eating. Eat every two hours. Test. Test. And I can't just eat. If I have a sandwich - it can only have one piece of bread. But I have to eat a contolled amount of carbs at every meal. Milk. Milk has carbs. That counts as one whole carb serving. My max at meal times is two carb servings. Snack times it's one carb serving.

But I've been doing it. I'm not the first person to have gestational diabetes. I have eight weeks left. I can do this. But I won't lie. It's really tough. And, my blood sugar is not getting under control. Of the twelve or so times I've tested, I've had one, just one, score that was within the normal range. The midwife yesterday strongly suggested that it's likely I'll have to take medication. I'll know next week.

The worst part is trying so hard again and again and again, and then getting a blood sugar score that is too high. Again and again and again. It's like studying your ass off and failing the same test repeatedly.

Now, in my defense (because I feel the need to defend myself for some reason), all pregnant women have spikes in their blood sugar in the third trimester. It's why the testing is routine. The hormones make your blood more resistant to insulin and your body needs three times the usual amount of insulin. My body just can't produce that much extra. Exerices is a great way to use up blood sugar. And there is my Catch 22.

The good news is that it will likely go away within 6 weeks of giving birth. I don't want to get into all the horrible implications for both me and the baby, but suffice it to say that we are both at increased risk for developing type 2 diabetes later on in life. So, I need my pelvis to heal. Because the only way I can see staving off the onset of diabetes is exercise. Obviously, we'll have to be careful with our son too, and make sure he develops a healthy lifestyle.

So that's where I'm at. I'm trying to manage day to day and get through the next eight weeks. We have a shower planned for the 18th of October (which is lamentably close to my due date). And I'm starting to ease off working now because I have a lot on my plate and I'm just so damn tired all the time.

Have I ever mentioned how amazing Daniel is? He has stores of patience, endurance, and generosity that truly amaze me. The man does everything and still tries to make me smile. I am a lucky woman. This is a lucky baby. And I don't know how I would get through this without him! <3

Pregnancy Fashion: A Lovely New Belt

2009-08-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

I was starting to think I would have a fairly easy pregnancy. But now it seems that my past has come back to say hello. A gazillion years ago I was in a car accident that, while neither of us were going very fast, totaled my car and put me in physical therapy for a year. The upshot was that my pelvis had gotten titled forward and sideways. I had to wear a lovely hip belt thing (great for a young twenty-something's ego) for the full year and get weekly chiropractic treatments. It sucked.

Today I'll be going to get another hip belt thing. All those hormones that loosen the joints and make it easier for baby to come out, are working a little too well. And in combo with my possibly-still-effed-up hips, are making my pubic bone separate a little too much too fast. It hurts like a bitch!

I won't get into all the gory details of the pain, but suffice it to say that it's getting increasingly difficult to do almost any kind of movement. Drop something on the floor? It's staying there. Pants? Who needs 'em? Getting up from a chair? Not if I can help it. I've been pretty active in pregnancy and this immobility is a major blow.

So, first, the lovely belt. If that doesn't solve it, I'll be making some chiropractic appointments. *sigh* I don't even want to get into all the delivery and long-term implications of this problem. Send me some good healing energy. I'll be needing it.

Oh - the problem I'm having is called SPD. The pelvic bone is a circle of bone that doesn't quite meet in the front. In the gap are a bunch of ligaments that usually hold the pelvis fairly immobile. In pregnancy, the surge of the hormone Relaxin softens all your joints and ligaments to make way for the baby. But if the hips are misaligned or there is too much of the hormone, or the woman is particularly sensitive to the hormone, the ligaments can relax too much and the pelvic floor becomes unstable, possibly even causing the pubic ligament to tear or separate. More fun than you can shake a stick at.

The Lentil's Library

2009-07-12T00:06:00.000-07:00

“It’s time for bed, little mouse, little mouse,
Darkness is falling all over the house.
It’s time for bed, little goose, little goose,
The stars are out and on the loose . . .”

Just read this as a board book (you know those thick cardboard pages that babies can chew on) and was suddenly sitting on the floor in Powell's with tears streaming down my face! lol! Hello hormones!

I looked at a number of baby goodnight books (as opposed to bedtime books more appropriate for toddlers) and this one is a complete winner. I think this may need to be added to the little lentil's library pre-birth.

Also came across a ton of books that I adored as a child!

Rain Makes Applesauce (these are the most wonderful imaginative illustrations! Beautiful!)
Blueberries for Sal (this book is a zillion years old and still wonderful!)
Sylvester and the Magic Pebble
Harold and the Purple Crayon
In the Night Kitchen (Maurice Sendak can do no wrong!)
The Pokey Little Puppy (my favorite Little Golden Book as a kid)
Caps for Sale (heh heh heh! love this story)
Alexander and the Horrible Terrible No-Good, Very Bad Day

Still have my copies of these books:
The King, The Mice and The Cheese
Too Much Noise (classic bed time story that I know by heart)
Jacob Had a Little Overcoat
The Monster at the End of the Book (starring Grover. Very silly and fun!)
(sorry, I lost the will to link them all)

Ah, books! I AM my father's daughter. I did have to snicker a bit because almost all of these books are Caldecot Award winners or winners of some such or other award. But, of course! :)

Last but not least on books, my yoga teacher often reads from this book during shavasana and the entries are so wonderful. I'm buying this one tonight!

A son

2009-07-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

Yup. It's a boy. Never mind the girl dreams I've had. We'll go with that sense that I've always had that I would have boys (two to be exact). Now I feel like I have to have another so that I can see if I'm psychic or some such nonsense. (Considering that I also always though I would have a baby at 33 and got pregnant two months before turning 34. Does getting pregnant constitute "having a baby"?)

So the confirmation that its a boy makes me suddenly feel like I don't know anything about boys. Or at least, half as much as I know about girls. And probably everything I've been thinking applied to girls, applies just as much to boys too - I just have a certain perspective on it (being a girl myself).

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'll not be buying and making tons of adorable little dresses and barrettes and other girly things. For the record I never have had any love for cotton candy pink shirts that say, "I'm a little princess". Nevertheless, the realm of little girl clothing is truly glorious if you weed out the obnoxious stuff.

But, as I'm not going to be dressing our kid in ruffled underoos, I've spent a bit of time today looking at great boy clothing. Yes, it's out there, but it's not that easy to find. Somehow baseballs and sailboats and cars on kids who are too young to really know what they are (much less have any love for them) is just as bad as unicorns and rainbows.

I was pleased to find a selection of classics (i.e. not plastered with SpongeBob or footballs) and a great selection of organic clothing and bamboo clothing at pretty much the same prices as the aforementioned options.

Here's a few I like:

Janie & Jack Yes, I still love them. To me this stuff feels classic.

Gap Baby I know. Why does a baby need to wear name brand clothing. They don't. But sometimes you want to dress your kid up or have something that isn't going to fall apart or pill after three washes. And I especially love their organic collection. I'll keep my eye on sales. Oh, and their "favorite one piece" looks so comfy that I'd like one!

MiniMoche Okay, this is pure wish list stuff. I love the cut and styling and color choices. But it's expensive and not dress up clothes, so...

Posh Baby I hate the name as much as you do. But they have lots of nice bamboo clothing at great prices.

Alright, before I go on, I want to say that YES, I will buy garage sale clothes and happily accept all hand me downs. Most of our friends here have girls so a lot of the hand me downs are, well, inappropriate. Sure, we *could* dress our son in the pink onesie with giant hearts all over it, but I'd rather wait until (and if) he tell us that he WANTS to wear to dresses before dressing him in them.

I think our son will find enough reasons for why we aren't perfect parents, ya know?

Relaxin, Part 1

2009-06-30T00:11:00.000-07:00

26 hormones are surging through my body. 4 of them are brand new. One of these lovely chemicals is Relaxin. Guess what it does? It makes the joints in the body loosen up (very clever). However, until the time when it's really needed (that would be the 9 month mark) it does things like make you more prone to carpal tunnel, siatic nerve pain, and low and behold! Dropping Things. That's me. Miss Slippery Fingers. Haven't broken anything yet, but it's only a matter of time, I'm sure. ;)

The Basketball, Pregnancy Dreams, and Hand-Me-Down Luv

2009-06-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

I am now 19 weeks pregnant. For those not in the know on the weeks-countdown, that's just about 1/2 way through. 40 weeks is the total. No, it doesn't equate exactly to 9 months. One of those little secrets you only learn when you are in The Club. But I'm HUGE! There are women in my prenatal yoga class that are DUE and not as big as this. And the strangest thing is that I've gained a grand total of 4 pounds. 4! I lost 7 in the first trimester. And now I've gained 4. Math = still less than I was before I was preggers. But are you seeing this? I am totally shocked. Shocked. By the time I am 9 months along, you will wonder where the sun is because I will be blocking it out. (If I can make it out the door, that is.)

Actually the second trimester has been lovely. I have good energy. I don't crash when I eat a piece of fruit (that was weird!). And I only have a couple aches and pains. Nothing to write home about.

I did have a very vivid dream last night of giving birth to a girl. That would make two "girl" dreams now. I'm not betting on it though. Our next ultrasound is in one week and providing the chickpea cooperates, we should have the answer to that question. Daniel thinks it will be a boy. I've always imagined I would have boys. Two to be exact. Don't know why. So... we'll see.

Treva, a friend with a 6 month old, Sable, has been dropping off stuff that Sable has grown out of, or that she doesn't use. Of course, if its a boy, 80% of those clothes will be going to someone else. lol. But she did give me this lovely nursing cover so that I don't have to whip my boob out in public (which I'm sure is inevitable, anyway). But I like it a lot so maybe I'll make good use of it and not forget it at home when we are out and about. In the awful case that I do leave home without it, we are resourcefull sorts of people and I'm sure it won't be an issue. And Portland has some of the best laws about public breastfeeding so that's happy.

(Yup, that's me. "Chic Mother". Don't forget it!)

Cheaper and I like it more

2009-06-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

Changed my mind on the crib! And this one is half the price at $229! (Now we can get an organic mattress.) Even better is that it's made from sustainably harvest wood.

The DaVinci Rivington 4-in-1 crib in Coffee. (And because you need to see it in all it's incarnations...)

The other thing I found out is that you can set up a baby registry at Amazon.com. I have to say that this is a nice thing since it seems like I'd have to register at 8 different places otherwise.Still not satisfied with the quantity of natural and organic products, but it's not too bad.

The Highly Recommended Boppy

2009-06-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Ooh ooh ooh! Look, I've knocked another item off the list. The Boppy! The ultimate feeding, sitting, playing pillow (and looks like it would work well for a tail bone injury that we hope none of us ever have, or maybe a boomerang that won't take heads off). I like this pattern - brown on one side and vintagey blue floral on the other. They call it Urban Vintage Brown. And the removable cover is a must for washing off that baby spit and whatnot. OMG, I just realized its the same colors as my website that hasn't been updated in many years. At least I am consitent in my tastes. Daniel likes it too so it's a win! (Giggling at the image of Daniel walking around with this pillow around his waist.) Gah! I just realized you have to buy the slipcover and pillow separately. Meh. Quarter of a star off for inconvenience in buying. But I still love it.

Boppy.com and Babies'R'Us (this is where I eat my words about registering at Babies'R'Us.)

The Baby Arsenal

2009-06-19T17:13:00.001-07:00

So, I've been doing extensive reading about preparing the baby arsenal. A couple days ago a checked out a library book on "everything you need" and today my mother sent me a book called the "The Baby Gizmo Buying Guide." Nice that we're both in sync in that way.

And here I've been, obsessing over the $500 crib I'm in love with and not much else (we're denying that three hour foray into the online world of baby clothes that cost more than I spend on my own) and now I'm plunging head first into the endless list of gear.

I have to tell you that the idea of testing out and choosing a stroller is completely overwhelming. And the car seat and the baby carrier and the high chair and the list goes on. And for some reason all the tips and guides just make it harder because now I KNOW what I'm supposed to be looking for and can't just go on my instincts.

But I've made one decision (with Daniel's input of course - we're a team like that). We won't be putting any kind of baby bathtub on our registry. There's the sink and the bathtub and both will work fine. One down!

And on another note... I've discovered that I'm kinda freaked out by the possibility of lead paint and chemical-leaching plastics. I imagine myself with a stockpile of home-lead paint testers, inconspicuously swabbing at toys and furniture. Even though it's not really in our (mythical) budget, I'd like to try to go as natural or organic with toys and whatnot as possible.

And that brings me to my last thought, involving registries. It's unlikely that we'll be registering at Babies'R'Us (I could be wrong about this), but what other alternatives are there? I'm very confused about the baby registry thing. Is there an eco-baby registry? Let me rephrase, is there an eco-baby registry that doesn't stone you if you if you put non-organic socks on your kid? Because, I don't want to be THAT hardcore. lol.

Pali's Trieste Forever Crib in Sienna (coverts to a toddler bed, child-size daybed and full-size bed)

Power of Design, or Why I Still Have a Job

2007-10-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

The world of graphic design has exploded now that everyone's mom and dad have photoshop and "vector" is becoming a household word. Everyone is a designer and lots of people seem to be pretty good at. How hard is it to create things that you think look good? Especially when we can be "inspired" by all the eye candy that has infiltrated every aspect of our lives. Even my butter package is beautiful! But I came across this today and was reminded, yet again, that design is no wrapping paper solution. Combined with critical thinking, design can help affect the change in the world that is needed. And critical thinking is what we get paid for. Photoshop, Illustrator, color theory, all those pantone chips are just tools that we use. A hammer and screwdriver. The power of design does not lie in the eyes, it lies in the mind.

(Paper towel dispenser that directly connects the environmental impact with the individual's consumption.)

The Remarkable Forgiveness

2007-10-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

I've just read TUP 2 cover to cover. I laughed out loud at Eli Hopkins' The Remarkable Intruder. It was a dizzying and full of tiny recognitions of my own incongruities. What made me laugh out loud and for a long time was that the story starts out, "Did I mention I have just been beaten?" Four paragraphs later, "I might as well admit that I was never beaten, not strictly. I was thrown a birthday party..." Next paragraph: "Actually, there was a beating, but it wasn't my beating. That's where I got confused. There was something called a pinata, I have no idea what it means. I have a condition characterized by the intense and involuntary suffering that comes from sympathy for inanimate objects. It was horrible what they did."

I laughed so hard and what's more, I can relate to this. I also do not know what pinata means though I used to know a guy who made them. It was his passion. He was an "internet friend". I don't remember his name, but I think I might have met him once.

I really want to say how much I enjoyed Tup 2 and to tout it's brilliance (and all the wonderful entries), but since I know and love most of the contributers, I feel more than a little biased. So, I refrain. Tomorrow, I'm going to hear a lecture with Art Chantry at PNCA.

PNCA, incidentally, is the school that the cyclist who got killed last week went to. ........................................................
........................................................
I guess I should write about it. Maybe it will help. A block from my work, a cyclist got run over by a cement truck. I happened to be walking to work a bit after it happened and I walked right onto the scene. I was so struck with the reality of it and the tragedy (god, you'd think I could come up with better words than that). I couldn't get much done for the rest of the day. A made up scene kept playing in my head of the whole accident. The girl's terror, thankfully brief. And the driver's realization. I've heard that they aren't pressing charges and I've heard some people be irrate about that. This guy was not on drugs, not speeding, not doing anything illegal. She was in his blind spot. But, I'm thinking of the guy's innocence or lack there of. What keeps coming back to me is that this guy is going to have to live with the knowledge that he killed a young girl. The "punishment" of that knowledge is far worse than any external punishment could ever be.

Okay, I digress for a moment. I used to be part of NA (there, I outted myself). I have like 12 years clean and I really don't think about it much anymore. But I used to got to NA meetings and there were people there who's lives had gotten worse than I could imagine. There was one woman in particular who had a lot of recovery both in years and emotionally. She and her husband were both like ideals for us to look up to. Then a young guy in a truck hit and killed her husband when he was riding his motorcycle. It was a horrible thing and she suffered greatly. A year later, she asked the guy to come over and he did, with his mother. He was terrified and unsure what to expect and he couldn't forgive himself. Who could? She told him in no uncertain terms that she forgave him and she expected him to forgive himself. He needed to live a full life and more forward. I was floored when I heard about the healing capacity we have. I still am.

Picking Punk Mans

2007-10-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

Oh lordy, how I love Pumpkin Picking. I had made some vow that I would only get one - but I think I meant that I would only carve one. And did I ever. My subconscious is working on the ultimate carving. Actually, my subconscious is working on a number of designs. It is the time of year to start thinking about my wood blocked cards. I have decided that I would delve further into self-expression. This year's cards will still be botanical in nature, but with a heavy dose of ilonaism. Yes, I am going to Ilonafy them. Maybe one day I will be able to sell sets of them. For now, they will be gifts. Unless you want to buy them (shameless plug, I know - especially for a prodcut that hasn't been produced yet). I am signing off now before further embarassing myself. Check out this punkman (that's a Savanna-ism. She's 4. I give her a lot of kudos for that one.)

It's HERE!

2007-09-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

For 3 hours I've been sitting in the presence of greatness, completely UNAWARE!

I totally missed the fact that this beautiful thing (17" Macbook Pro) was sitting in just inside my office door when I arrived this morning. And in a few hours, Mr. IT (Charlie) is going to wisk it away and tinker with it and love it until it hums and then he is going to bring it back to me, whence I will make it sing!

http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

2007-09-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

I, like many people I'm sure, have been a bit anxiety ridden about the approaching state of the economy. I called my Mortgage Adviser (who I absolutely LOVE), Seth Warren at Alpine Mortgage, with just the tinies hint of worry in my voice. He told me to shoosh and keep in mind that the job market is a good indicator of the economy and thus, the housing market. Well, things are going strong here in Portland. Its one of the few places in the country that the housing and job market are both going strong. The voice in the back of my head is saying, "yeah, but...Portland has historically been a late bloomer, catching up with the rest of the US economy months or even years later." I tell that voice to shut up! I don't want to know!

But then... Today, I heard the employment rating has dropped significantly (in the US, not Portland only). *sigh* I am thinking seriously about persuing a part-time teaching gig. And maybe even trying to persuade Daniel that we should get a roommate for a while.

On the positive side, I am going to have my vision checked and get glasses and daniel will be getting glasses for the first time in like 7 years!

Personal Iconography

2007-09-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

Lesson: Over the first 1/2 of the term have students scan new doodles in their sketchbooks. These can be random (not drawn with conscious thought) and deliberate sketches. Regular assignments are to develop complex, but succint illustrations combining or using their personal iconography. The end result is a database of original, self-reflective, emotive illustrations that develop both the students' illustration ability, narrative skill, and ability to convey succint, personal expression. Example

I Want To Go Back To School

2007-09-04T15:35:00.000-07:00

...as a teacher. Part-time, maybe evening classes. I really enjoy teaching and think I could help students deveop their critical thinking skills. I am developing my syllubus now. Just in case...

Blogtastic

2007-09-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if these people have day jobs, or if they really do blog all day long. I can't stop looking at these blogs Oh Joy! and Decor8. The photos are faboulous. Here is a small sampling of their colorful sites and hopefull shows why I can't stop looking at them.

1000 Bricks

2007-09-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

Daniel and I spent all of yesterday obtaining 1000 bricks. We had to rent a uhaul and do this in 2 trips because it turns out, bricks are REALLY heavy. It was a particularly dirty job and Daniel and I both killed a LOT of VERY VERY BIG spiders. At the end of the second load my dad and Keegan came to help us unload which is good because I don't think we could face it alone at that point. So there are now 1000 bricks piled in the back of our house. What are we going to do with it, you ask? We are going to pave and build retaining walls and who knows what else, but here is an inspirational photo of brick in Belguim

Annual Report Love

2007-08-31T10:21:00.000-07:00

I love designing Annual Reports. There is something about the little booklet style that makes my heart go pitter-patter. I am currently designing one for a very cool hospital in Oregon and I am in the concepting phase. I came across this website annualreports.com and have a found a few gems. Anyway, it probably speaks to my dork factor that I like this site, but there it is, and I am not ashamed. Now, if only I could find a project that could 1) afford and 2) would be appropriate to use Yupo paper on, that would rock. Yupo is a synthetic paper (not made from trees) that is silky smooth, velvety, and super luxuriant feeling. It reminds me of my silk-laminated business cards that I once had a woman rub all over her face (it was a strange moment - I felt like I was intruding on something quite private).

What are labels for anyway?

Emily Post Would Be Proud

2007-08-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

Some collegues and I were just discussing various ways to tell off angry customers when they are really mean and, well, wrong. So, I thought I'd share this recent and favorite "telling off" from a website that I love: Airfare Watch Dog

The Blog Formerly Known As WhistleFish

2007-08-30T08:16:00.000-07:00

The world has definitely not slowed down in 2007. In fact, it will soon by 2008 and I haven't even started thinking about Christmas crafts. In the spirit of re-invention, look at this humming bird birth (the last photo with the toothpick is the one that got me)

Also, I would like to highly recommend Pandora Radio. My beautiful 80 GB Video iPod is buried in the bottom of my bag unused as I listen to Pandora Radio at work all day everyday. Sign up easy and I dont get any emails, There are no commercials, and I've discovered a lot of great music like Band Of Horses

On Connectivity

2006-10-29T07:41:00.000-08:00

Like a page out of Wired Mag, technology has finally worn down my defenses and wormed its way into my heart. On Thursday Daniel bought me an iPod. The biggest, fanciest, purtiests iPod. I am not sure why or what happened, but in a matter of days I am already slighty obsessed with it. Mind you, I couldn't be called upon to buy any fancy, minutely useful, and clutter-inducing accessories for it. However, true to form, I am already planning the cozy I will knit for it. But, its not just the iPod. Yesterday, after putting it off for years, Daniel and I got our first real cell phones. I don't know if I have ever done such effective bargaining at the Verizon store, but we managed not to pay for a lot of things that were fairly being shoved down our throats. We were convinced to get insurance (did not take any convincing at all as I am a total clutz) and to pay for a text messaging package, rather than pay for 'em as you get 'em. I likened the whole process to mututal milking. I'd get her to waive something and she'd get us to add something. So, we spent more time than we had yesterday putting numbers in our phones, adding music to the iPod, and otherwise exploring our new technological attachments. Hoo-ray.

On *

2006-10-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

Nix the last post. I went with the other guy. The guy that makes me happy. I am now officially an asterix. I've been hired as the junior designer at asterixGROUP in Portland, OR. They have "offices" in San Fran too, but I've never been there, and not sure I will. I friggin' love it. The people rock. Today I planned with one of the directors our future Big Slurp Day. A soup party at work. I got to go on a client meeting today. I got to go do photo research. Hoo-rah!

http://www.asterixgroup.com/team06.html

I am an asterix!

Tonight is Pumpkin Carving Night!

On Past and Current Events

2006-10-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

What an amazing year this has been. Daniel has an overflowing display case of customized toys and sculpts. I've juggled six different freelance gigs. We've made new friends and rediscovered/found some old ones. I am being asked to work at 2 different places, and they are making it very tough for me to decide. I think in the end (which is tomorrow), I am going to go with the less glamorous of the two that will help us reach more of our goals sooner. And did I mention that Daniel is going to be in at least one book and maybe even two books about toys and toy customizers. We had a fabulous Pumpkin Picking Party. Craft Night is starting tomorrow at my house. We now own a big, long table (a personal dream of mine) for all our friends to sit at. My best friend is getting married to a great guy. Oh, and our wedding...well, that was just so wonderful that I am still overwhelmed thinking about it. There is so much more, but damn...its just so amazing.

Hitched

2006-08-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

The wedding was awesome.
This is my favorite picture of us.
We had a very full day and tons of fun.
Here we are taking a break.
Daniel rocks the mothership connection!

(I am still trying to get all the photos corralled. If you have photos you'd like to share-that you didn't already give to us-let me know. We're swamped with work though, so its on the back burner for now.)

On Color

2006-05-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

Here are my color predictions for the very near future. I've had them in my head for quite a while and only recently found these ribbons to show them. The top two are key.

The Biography of Things

2006-05-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

Minneapolis was great! May Day was rockin'! But our friends....damn! You all kick so much ASS!

ideas I've been playing with:

1) an exploration into the Mother/Provider/Feeder (of food). Emphasis on food/feeding/nurturing.

2) what if .... the experience of an object could be art?

On Relief

2006-02-25T00:09:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you the number of hula hoops my mind has been through over this job business. I came to the conclusion, though, that I wasn't going to get it simply because it seemed too good to be true.

And I was wrong.

I'm so friggin' excited, I can barely stand it.

p.s. If you ever come across something called a "Health Rider", back away slowly, turn, and run.
(you'll be less likely to hurt yourself running.)

On Ye Ol' Ego Boost

2006-02-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

So, its been a while since I posted but I actually have an excuse (unlike Mr. Quist). Up until a week or so ago, I've been working 60-70 hours a week. I work my 9-5 and then work on phonebook stuff. Just seconds before I completely snapped (and trust me, I came very, very close) the phonebook went to print. We are now on a sort of hiatus. Unfortunately, this translates to a financial hiatus too; with the work went the money. Right around this time, my 9-5 (really an 8-5, but I leave at 4 because fuck lunch breaks in a crappy business park) started to get sucky. I won't get into the details, but being paid less than I am worth combined with crap means I was contemplating looking for a new job again.

Before I go on, let me apologize to those of you who are sick of hearing about my work situation. I have little else to talk about because this has been my principle concern for some time now. I am still looking for "home".

Now you may not know that this crappy 9-5 found me. I was contracting at a photo studio and working the phonebook when I got a call asking me to come in. I have a philosophy that when a job finds you, it would be both rude and stupid to not hear them out, so I went. The lure of "salaried" (albeit low) with quasi-benefits hooked me. Well, just as I am starting to regret getting hooked, I got another call. I creative staffing agency (one of the 3 main ones in Portland) asked me to come in, and at the same time a place that I did an informational interview last summer asked me to come in too. This later event is the subject of my story.

I got an email from the new project manager at this place saying that they had grown a lot in the last 6 months (indeed, her position didn't exist when I was there before) and they needed freelance (cringe) help with some upcoming projects (read: temporary (cringe again)). I had met with the Creative Director and Senior Designer who apparently both really liked me and my work. So, they wanted to talk to me. I have to tell you, I love this place. When I was there before the 3 of us were very comfortable and talked and shared and it was GOOD. Its a design firm (very good). I went in, talked with the project manager, it went well. The creative director walked by the conference room on her way out and said hello. I went to shake her hand and she friggin' hugged me! The pay is unbeleivable. I love the environment. The part-time for 6 months is a sweet schedule. I love the people. The work is gorgeous. I am trying really hard to not get excited, but DAMN its hard. I've been bitterly disappointed before, and I may be again. But the moral of the story is that I am indeed wanted. Someone I admire likes my work. And I probably won't be stuck at crappy jobs for long.

Life is good.

My God, I Do Love Portland

2005-12-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

On my way into work this morning, I saw some great things.

The Made In Oregon Sign with the deer on it had a lit up Rudolph nose stuck on it.

There was the usual, wonderful “Go. By. Train.” Sign at Union Station that lights up one word at a time. This is my all time favorite Portland landmark. And I get to see it everyday on my way to work. Sadly, I can’t stare at it long enough to watch the words light up.

And then, I saw a friggin’ submarine! In the Columbia River that separates Oregon and Washington (I work in Washington). I was going over the bridge and looking out and thinking, golly, that boat seems awfully low in the water. Then I did a double take and it was a SUBMARINE!

And last, on this misty slightly foggy morning all the trees are lit up in a kind of pink-dusty purple-tangerine color and there was the silhouette of Mt. Hood all bathed in lilac and then BAM! The sun on its right looked like it had burned a hole in the sky causing an explosion of brightly lit orange clouds clustered around it, but not hiding it.

Yeah, it was all pretty damn cool. So, I’m off to design some packaging and a website. I love being a designer.

On Company and Parallels

2005-11-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

I just heard from "the bird lady" (read: the woman who runs the adoption program where Ringo is, and whose house he is staying in currently). Ringo is doing fabulously. She says that he hasn't shown the slightest bit of anxiety and seems to be really enjoying being around all the other birds. I am so relieved. It is what I expected to happen. I've often thought that Ringo's anxiety might be lonliness.

Here is a parallel that may or may not be able to be applied to our own lives:
In BirdLand, the smaller amount of space that a bird feels is "his", the more fiercely he will guard it. If he is allowed more space to move around in on a regular basis, and perhaps autonomously, the more relaxed he is and able to cope with sharing that space with others. I'm not sure exactly how that can be applied to my life, but if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it.

Anyway, Ringo will be moving to a new foster family on Thursday (I think an older, single lady, and she had lots of birds too) where he will stay up to a year, if not permanently. The "birdlady" says that Ringo is really a very good bird and she wishes that he could stay longer with her and rub off on her other birds. Oh yeah, and she says he is talking up a storm. I am very happy for him. I do miss him, though. But, I know its for the best.

On The 9 To 5

2005-11-27T01:47:00.000-08:00

Where to freakin' begin...

I have a new job. It is very strange. I was sitting at home one day working on phone book stuff and I got a call from some company in Vancouver, WA that found my portfolio on Coroflot.com and they were interested in interviewing me for a design position if I was interested. And, of course, I was. So, I did some research and came to the conclusion that I had no clue why this company would want me. Really, even though its been explained to me since, I still don't really get it. Check out my portfolio at bigwhistlestudios.com/ilona, then go to their site http://realityengineering.com/work/index.php

So, I got the job. I am the only female employee other than the HR person. Almost everyone there is a gamer. Dude, I work with a guy named Thor. I do have to say though that everyone is really really really nice. My first day was this last Monday. I had 2 meetings within the first half of the day, both with clients. Talk about being thrown into the fire. It was a good move on their part though-I actually really enjoyed it and think it went really well. The second day, I had a meeting with one of the programmers. I was so afraid that I was going to either a) be totally dumb about interactive stuff, b) be treated like I was dumb about interactive stuff, or c) be expected to know some really advanced stuff, at which point I would have to quit. None of these things happened. I even had some good suggestions. This phenomenon was repeated later that day when I had to go to a brainstorming meeting about a video game for Orthodontists about a new kind of braces. I was pretty much at a loss, but listened during the meeting and managed to make a couple remarkable suggestions that made everyone go, "oooh".

So, I feel pretty studdly. On Wednesday, I went in an hour early and left 2.5 hours early. It was my first experiement with what it means to be an salaried employee. I don't have to work 40 hours a week, I just have to get my work done. weird.

On the flip side, I'm finding that I really miss the people I worked with at the photo studio. I had a really good bye with the owner - he even told me to keep in touch and if I ever wanted to come back that the door would be open. But, I can't. It's less money, part-time, no benefits, contract work, and its production work vs. actually getting to be a designer. It's a no-brainer.
But, I might have to call some of them up and go out with them or invite them over.

Finally.

On The Up Swing and Plans

2005-10-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

it doesn't quite feel like it yet, but we are on the up swing, I think. I am now working full time + and Daniel is also working full time. I am still homesick and I still friggin' love Portland. We went to a pumpkin patch on Sauvie Island this weekend (about 15 min. out of Portland) and it was AWESOME! I might of had more fun than all the kids there put together. Okay, maybe not that much. I took a hay ride and wait til we carve our 13 pumpkins. I will take pictures and post em'. Okay, we wont be carving all of them, but it'll be cool anyway.

I am still not used to working from home, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. You'd think it was a cool, awesome thing that everyone should be envious of, but I'll tell you what... it's not. You know how hard it is to focus for 8 or more hours when there are so many wonderful things to distract you? I mean, I could read, knit, watch a movie, sit on the back porch, go for a walk, etc. Yeah, its really hard. Speaking of knitting, I am actually a crochet-er, but I taught myself some basics and knit myself a pair of hideous slippers. I signed up today for a knitting class at a place 2 blocks away called the Yarn Garden, which is the best yarn shop in all of Portland (yeah, and its down the street from my house-Portland rocks). I am very excited about the class. Before that though, I am going to knit Savannah a hat and scarf. Enough of this talk.

We are having Thanksgiving at our house and I am so excited. I know you know how much I love to cook. Yeah, we'll I can't wait. I am going to try out some of the food I want to have at our wedding on our Thanksgiving guests. Yeah, I said wedding. We're thinking late June. We're thinking out-of-town guests can stay here slumber party style if they want. It's going to be at my mom's house a couple hours away. I get to have a backyard wedding like I've always wanted. It would be awesome beyond compare if our friends could be there. But, I know that its not possible for everyone. Anyway, big plans in the works y'all.

K, I gotta go cause the Matzo Ball soup is done and my babe-eh needs to have some to get better. He's gotta poop-y cold and I'ma chase it out!

And Ne'er The 'Tween Shall Meet

2005-10-06T01:08:00.000-07:00

I am so ultimately homesick. I truly love Portland. And I really miss my friends.

On Rambling and Blubbering, really

2005-09-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

The search is over, but only temporarily. But I won't be sending out anymore resumes for a while (which is partly inspired by the fact that my hard drive bit the dust and noooooo, I did not have it backed up!). But my surface reason is that I think I am officially employeed. I say "think" because it's all just so wierd. I will explain:

This is a two parter.

1. Apparently a person can start their own phone book. Dex doesn't have the corner market on them. This dude started a phonebook for the Northern and Central Oregon Coast (read: Astoria is included in that) a few years ago and he hired me to design the ads. The previous ads were designed by him and a few other people and wow, do they need a designer! For you design people out there imagine a heading that is -100 kerning, stretched 130% wide, stretched 110% tall, has a baseline shift of 5 pts for no apparent reason, and is a lightweight serif font with a 1.5 pt outline. The stuff is hideous. So, I am redoing them. I even find myself making large efforts to match the businesses' ads to their logos, which means finding out what the logos look like. Anyway, I work from home on this one, get a percentage of the ad cost (which works very well in my favor) and can do it full time for 5 months out of the year. I imagine that next year there won't be as many ads to re-do because they won't be nearly so appalling, so I might be working myself out of 5 months/yr and into 3. Alternatively, next year I could spread the work out and have a part-time job out of it, year round or at least 8 months or so. I work from home, have to take out my own taxes, and do as much or as little as I feel like. Yeah, its weird.

2. So, I was not at all comfortable with the situation above being my only job and I kept looking. I applied for many, many, many jobs. I got turned down for more than a few. I was called into this photo studio to take their 2 hour test (their method of weeding through resumes). I, of course, read up on everything I could get my grubbly little hands on that might relate to the test (read: I bought a book). When I went into take the test I discovered to my dismay that I had to do "knock outs" (remove the background) on three files , plus someother small tasks. I already knew how to do this, so I was aggravated that I'd studied other things so hard. But then I had to do some color matching excersize and discovered that I didn't know how to do it. I was so frustrated and sleep deprived that I almost got up and walked out. I did the best I could at making up an alternate way of acheiving the same effect and moved on. During the last 15 minutes I discovered how to do it, but it was to late to do it well, so I threw it together, made a proof sheet and left. I chalked that one up to a lesson learned and did not at all expect a phone call, which I got a few days later to come in for an interview. Shocked doesn't begin to describe it. The guy basically said that I did really good at most things and did something "wacky" with oune of them, the important thing being that they thought that I could learn. So then last Monday I had a test day at work and their one other hopeful worked on Tuesday. Last night I got a call asking me to come in 5 other days over the next 2 weeks. They never actually said, hey you got the job. We picked you! But, I think it is safe to assume now.

Did I say that it was a commercial photo studio? I worked on images for Nintendo Monday. Its part time, and from what I can tell, not super regular. I mean, I might get to work 2 days every week, those days might vary. I really am not sure. There are 2 other digital artists working there, both who have other freelance gigs and neither of whom want to work 40 hrs a week. So, I am there to take up the extra work that they can't get done. While I think there might be a minimum amount of work to expect, there may also be occasional 40 hour weeks. It does not pay as well as I'd like, and I am pretty sure there are no benefits. But, it *will* look good on my resume and it *is* work, and I *am* gaining experience.

Did I babble enough for you? What? No? Well...
I have to go now because I am taking a couple old paintings that my dad has had in his house for over 30 years to be appraised. Cool, huh? K, bye

"Oh Diana, I feel as though you have tasted the bitterness of death..."

2005-08-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the job. Crazy huh? I "lost" by a very narrow margin and was the bosses first choice, though he was out voted by his two right-hand men (men being the omni-gender term). Yeah, I was and am very, very, very, very, very, very dissapointed. I promised myself not to ponder over every minute I had there and wonder where I went wrong. In fact, I have been trying to focus on the positives.

7. (yeah, I thought of this last, but it's the most important point) I was 2nd best out of 100.
1. I'll be kept in mind for freelance work if I want.
2. I finally got some real experience under my belt.
3. I *did* getr paid $800 for 1 week of work.
4. I imagine I will be considered for future positions (at least I will ask to be).
5. I don't necessarily have to design direct mail (not that I really minded, but in the end I have a bigger vision for myself.
6. I don't have to work in a "business park".

Okay, now I am grasping for strings. Anyway, the truth is that I really wanted it and could imagine myself being very happy there. But, I am sure that I could be happy in many other places also. It is doubtful that I will make would I could have been making there, at least not right away.

Peter is gone home, but it was a fun time. I wish I'd been able to be less focused on waiting for a phone call from the prospective job.

Tesch laughed, or typed a laugh, at the idea of me not being original, but I don't think I said what I mean. Daniel and I had a good talk about the whole business, (I really love this guy!) and what came out of it was that he and I both are too concerned with the making a living aspect of creating. I can't learn a new craft with out trying to imagine out 100 ways to make stuff to sell via said craft. And too frequently I find myself looking at a painting and thinking, oh I could do a woodcut with that design. I am not sure how much, if any, new ideas are in the world, and I have never been too concerned with being "inspired" by someone else's creations until recently. I dunno. I am not saying that I don't think I am original, I am saying that I don't think I spend enough energy trying to be original.

I am noy thoroughly annoyed with this topic and I'm going to go make ants on a log.

On Being A Great Artist

2005-08-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

I go to art walks, galleries, museums, and see lots of art. I think to myself, "I can do that". But then I try, and I can't.

Lately, I have been very concerned with the idea of originality and really thinking that I lack something critical in that area.

Today I saw 6 very thick, grey, winter coat cut-outs (all different styles of coats-complete with giant white "stitching" details), slightly larger than life, suspended from the ceiling on after the other.

Today I saw puppets made from nylons, buttons, felt, that all had their own custom knitted leg/tentacle warmers.

Today I saw elegant encaustic paintings (that I thought, "I could do that").

Today I saw a very tall and thin peice of driftwood mounted onto a small wooden block. It looked like a strange creature, hand, fingers and arm reaching up to the sky.

I also saw a rooftop cabaret performance.

Oh, and I highly, HIGHLY recommend the movie, "you, me, and everyone we know" I saw that too.

I could not do that.

On Being in Limbo and Waiting

2005-07-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

My work week is over. I think I did pretty well, but really I have NO IDEA if I'm going to get the job. NO IDEA AT ALL. And that sucks.

I should know by Friday. I did, however, leave everyone I worked with a thank you note for them to find on Monday. I bet my competitors didn't do anything like that. Anyway, for luck I am going with Peter Harold Quist and Daniel Damocles Wall to the sacred home of the Goonies tomorrow. I hope to be touched by greatness while I am there.

Love and Kisses

On Stuff and a Thousand Pages

2005-07-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

The pishwari nan was a no-go. The bastards decided to be closed. It was poop-e but we went on many adventures after that despite being starving. We discovered this place that is 2 big warehouse buildings filled with random stuff. Do you need a desk? how 'bout a dentist's chair? Maybe you've been looking for display case like they have in jewelery stores? Or maybe it was 300 plastic hampers-the super cheap kind that you can only find in Chinese markets. Well, its all here at a place called City Salvage. And for fair prices-if you need any of that stuff. After we poked through 8 floors of STUFF! we decided to eat at a little place by our house called the Thai Spoon. As a graphic designer, I have to say it: their menu didn't at all fit the rest of the place. Just the design, not the dishes. That said, IT WAS INCREDIBLE! I ordered Tom Kha soup. Lemongrass, coconut milk, mushrooms, chicken. I was in food heaven for only $4!

As for the things I have to tell, I have forgotten already, save these couple of things:

1. I interviewed for a job a while back (almost 3 weeks ago). Out of 100 applicants, 10 got chosen for interviews and then 3 were asked to come work for a week each. Paid at $20/hr. That's $800 for one weeks work!! I am one of the three and I got first dibs on when to go, so I asked for the second or third week. I figured that way they could work out all the kinks with the first people and by the time I come along they will know all that they need to tell me right away, thereby making me more efficient. So, my week starts Monday. I have been studying up on my Quark. I bought a 1000 page book (that probably could be edited to 600) and have been ever so slowly workimng through it. I have hardly taken a break except for the last 2 days cause I got a little sick. So, if I get the job, which I am really, really, really hoping I do, I will get a nice benefits package (which hopefully includes Maternity leave) and $25/hr. Y'all, I have never made that kinda money and I am kinda flippin' out about it. My baby will quit his crappy job and paint or do what ever creative pursuit he wishes and life will be good. Okay, life already is good. Damn good I have to say. So, that is what i have been doing everyday over here. Preparing for my week.

2. You have to check out what Daniel has been doing. I think it's gorgeous!

3. I am sure there is more to tell, but I can't think of it now. We are having a bbq this weekend in honor of Pete who won't be here till the Wednesday after that. We are inviting our neighbors downstairs who seem like cool cats. Ringo has a million new pin feathers that are making him snappy, but not screamy, and still sweet. We just have to be a little careful touching him.

2005-07-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have so much to tell you all, but Daniel is hungry and we are going on a bike ride downtown to eat some of the most delicious food ever. Two words: Pishwari nan. If you come here we will eat it. (hint hint). Okay, but here is someother stuff of note. I have had a few requests for socks. The socks I had posted were all the designs I had done for my client up till then. There are more, and many have been cut out from the finals. Here is a page with links to all the socks that are going to be made. There are a couple exceptions in ladies socks: only of W6 and W7 will be made, probably W7. And W8-14 are all variations on one sock and I think she is going to pick one of the higher numbers. But to all those who wonder about it, yes the ninja sock is going to be made, and I myself will be sporting the carrot. They will take probably a couple of months to get here, but if you want one let me know. I don't know yet how much they are, but they are reasonably priced.

parent list of socks

Also, check out these bracelets my mom has been making. They are $10 each. She has like, 100 of them.

Set 1
Set 2

bye for now.

On Airports and Magazines

2005-07-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you have the experience I do, and then again, perhaps not, in which case I’d say you are more fortunate than me. Let me explain: I love grocery stores. Millions of choices, exotic things to try, clean, bright, colorful, yup, I love ‘em! I shop like a child in a candy store even if I am only getting toothpaste. As a side- you know it’s somewhat similar to what I feel about airports and train stations: here are hundreds of people off doing extraordinary things. Sure you have the business guy who flies every other day, but most of the people at the airport are totally out of their normal routine and off having grand adventures, off to exciting places, to do exciting things, with exciting people -probably for the first time in their lives and maybe the only times (I love airports more than I love grocery stores). Okay back to grocery stores. As I near the completion of my grocery shopping trip I get a mix of a slight case of a sensory overload high and a sudden fear that I am going to miss something marvelous. As I am slowly corralled into the checkout aisle my eyes dart all over stopping for only a second on any given thing there and then…. then it happens: I hit the magazines and the world comes to a grinding halt: “Jennifer’s revenge-she’s smiling again”, “Marry Me! [Some guy] begs Oprah”, “10 DELICIOUS cakes under 200 calories”, “Unlock the secrets of the stars”, “Gweneth’s New Fashion Rules”, “[kid’s name] says, “I love you, Brad””, “Best Picnic Gear”, “101 Uses for Olive Oil”, “Paris hits negative five pounds!”, “Summer vacation for Brad and Angelina”, “Flatter Abs” “More Sex”, “Secrets Revealed”, I am swimming in a crystal clear, slick-coated, full color sea of 7 inch tall superstars and really good food photography! There is no grocery store, Daniel is not standing next to me, doesn’t even exist really, no one exists except me and the superstars and the food and all the knowledge that I NEED and apparently missed. But then, I did skip a lot of school.

Anyway, here is the koi fish I embroidered for my dad. Its eyes are crooked (you know, water bends light and all-I figured it would be an advantage) and its not done yet anyway. (But they eyes are staying crooked).

What the heck has everyone been doing? Its quiet as a mouse.

2005-07-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

On Crewel Fish

On Tesselation and Stitchery

2005-07-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen my paper collection? Its a large shallow box filled with old cards, stickers, random flyers and bits of wrapping paper, not to mention a ton of other types of..well, paper. Why does she have such a strange collection? You might well ask. You see, I love patterns. Daimonds, backgrounds, fluer-de-lis, mod squares, its a tesselation jamboree! I even did a project once where I did modern takes on some ancient patterns from around the world. And then....

Carly showed me how to embroider. Below is my first, very small piece. Carly, I love you thank you!

2005-07-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

On Ameobas: my first embroidery design

On $83 and Billy Idol

2005-06-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

All kinds of exciting things are planned for today. I am going to make us a roast in our new cast iron dutch oven, I am going to go buy an embroidery hoop, and I'm going to apply for a job-or freelance, or something. I've been contemplating setting a wedding date for May of 2006. It would have to be after MayDay, of course. We were even thinking that we could drive out to MN for May Day and caravan back with people who don't want to fly to Portland, but still want to come to our wedding. The small amount of research I have done so far on weddings is truly eye-opening and bizarre. All I have to say is that if you are ever thinking about it, start saving now.

Speaking of saving, I have been reading Personal Finance for Dummies and I would like to highly recommend it to ALL OF YOU. Its SO good and easy to read and SO SO SO SO important. For instance, if you saved $83 a month in a retirement account that earned 10% (which I think is about average-or amybe you have to look around for one like that) that would be $1000/yr. First, you pay less income tax because you aren't taxed on retirement savings, so that saves you money right there, but THEN, after 5 years, the $5000 you have put in is actually more like $9600 or something. After 20 years, its $44,000. That's HUGE! OKay, that said, let me say this one other thing, if you hope to ever retire you will need 65-85% of your current income. So, if you make $30,000/yr, and you want to retire at 66, you will need approx. $22,500/yr in retirement. For 20 years of retirement thats 450,000! Start putting it away yall! Anyway, get the book. Its very good. (And teaches you all about the stock market).

On Titles and Taking Notice

2005-06-30T01:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't really say that F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote East of Eden did I? yarg! What I meant to say was This Side Of Paradise. I bet you weren't even looking. But just in case you were...

On Elephants and Books

2005-06-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

July is my month. I know it.

Carls and Keegs left, but we had a rockin' time. I've decided that I am very jealous of Carly's awesome embroidery talents. She showed me how to embroider and now I want to add that to my list of 80 million crafts to do and love. That chick is gonna go far, I know it. When we went to the zoo we visited the lorikeets and two of them crawled on me. I was in bird heaven. But the elephant museum!!!!!!!! Oh my GOD!!! ….

Okay, so I was reading this book, Out of Africa – you may have heard of it-which is about this woman’s experience on a coffee farm in Africa. “If I have a dream of Africa, does Africa have a dream of me? Will the gravel on the drive remember the way my shadow fell across it…?” Okay, its not an exact quote, but I couldn’t find it in the book. Anyway, there is a section of the book about a young Kikuyu (the native people that live and work on the farm) named Kamante. He is different from other children in that he seems to know that he is soon to die and it has made him silent and grave. (He has a very large, oozing wound on his leg) Anyway, the author and Kamante form a special relationship after she insists that he let her help him and after her failed attempts takes him to the hospital where he heals. Okay, so it’s a very touching part of the book. There we were at the zoo, in the elephant museum, and I was looking at some Dali sketches of elephants and some other artists’ sketches of elephants and I looked at one of them and read the description. “Kamante” (I chuckle to myself at the name-look, it’s the same name as the boy in the book) Then I keep reading: (former house-boy for Karen Von Blixen, aka Isak Dinesen). I NEARLY POOPED MY PANTS! Once, I had been reading East of Eden by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it had talked about his time at Princeton a bunch. A month later I was at Princeton checking out the school and had the strange experience of thinking that I was walking in the same place that he had walked. It seemed a powerful experience at the time, but that was nothing compared to this. I have never in my whole life had a book come alive for me to that degree. It was amazing. I cried. (I’ve been doing that a lot lately, I think my hormone levels must be changing-getting older is weird).

The last couple of days have been gray which is poop-e cause it’s summer. My dad is coming this weekend and I think Peet should be here one of these days. Oh, oh, the sun is coming out! Whoo hoo.

2005-06-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

for the birds

2005-06-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

Kamante's elephants

On Lawns and Lighter Fluid

2005-06-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

okay, these are the last of them. The first one is my own design. I drew the second. Okay, technically speaking I drew all off them. But I like the first 2.

http://www.bigwhistlestudios.com/socks/W15.jpg
http://www.bigwhistlestudios.com/socks/W14.jpg
http://www.bigwhistlestudios.com/socks/W13.jpg
http://www.bigwhistlestudios.com/socks/W12.jpg

Anyway, so Carly and Keegs are supposed to be here in a couple days. Fun times ahead, especially if I can manage not to burn down the house with my BBQing attempts. For everyone who has sent stuff or written - thank you so much. we've enjoyed it very much. I am very behind in my "keeping in touch". Bad Ilona! There sure is a lot to do when you are unemployed. Really though! Its kinda aggravating.

Our downstairs neighbor, Ryan, waters the backyard lawn almost everyday.

On Ninjas and Carrots

2005-06-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

On Socks and "Current" Events

2005-06-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like the world’s biggest dipshit. After applying for quite a few jobs I just noticed that my resume says that I “currently” work at Old Chicago in Minneapolis and that I am “currently” interning at Ai Minnesota. I could pull my hair out!

On a happy note: I am now designing socks. Actually, I am drawing out someone else’s ideas and putting them on a sock template to be sent to Korea to be made. Who knew? http://www.sockittomesocks.com/

On Death and Flying

2005-06-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Be ye warned.
If you are less than 1” in diameter.
If you possess wings.
If you make noise as you pass.
If you are in the same room as me.

I have a long, bright blue, all-powerful* plastic fly swatter and YOU WILL DIE!

count so far:
Wasps: 2
Regular Flies: 1, 1 in progress
Small Biting Flies: 1

*there is a small cut-out in my fly swatter in the shape of a fly. You might get lucky.

On Strawberries and Lack of Money

2005-06-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling a bit low. Looking for a job is just not fun. I know this is not news. I feel like I am 85% networking like a mo-fo. The opportunities are few and far between and usually for really random stuff. I think Big Whistle Studios may have to open shop and do freelance. I know that may sound exciting, but it’s more scary than anything else.

On another note...I made strawberry salsa with the reddest strawberries I have ever seen. They were solid red all the way through. And sweet as can be. We are having fish tacos tonight. Tacos are one of the best foods ever invented.

I really miss my friends and I really miss my Daniel. This 40-hour workweek is for shit. Poop-E.

2005-06-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

my lovely red worms

On My Love of Bathtubs

2005-06-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

There I was...
nice summer morning, windows and doors open, sunlight spreading itself across the wood floor. Suddenly the air was filled and I had to rush to the window to poke my head out. There on the street below I spied a pair of long-white socks with little tassels thru the trees. Then a skirt, then I saw the tops of the bagpipes. THERE WAS A DUDE IN FULL PIPING-GARB PLAYING THE FRIGGIN' BAGPIPES ON MY STREET!!!! (shrug) Nothin'...he was just walking around in front of his house playing. Well, of course I cheered loud enough for him to hear when he finished his first set. Yes, first of many. He played for 2 or 3 hours. How much better could life get? Well, I'll tell ya. This glorious serenade was interrupted by my doorbell (which is somewhat obnoxious). When I got to the bottom of my stairs a precarious package sat before me. It was none other than my worms. My sweet red wigglers. I had to order these babies. I guess you can’t just go and buy worms at the store or nursery, or any freakin’ where for that matter. I eagerly opened the box to find a plastic tub with a bunch of little holes poked in it. The instructions said not to open it just to look at the worms. Like givin’ a kid a lollipop and telling him not to lick it. COME ON PEOPLE! I WANNA SEE MY WORMS! I imagined a tub of slimy red worms writing and wriggling and twisting around each other and damn it! I wanted to see it. Well, I resisted. First things first, I told myself. I got out the bin I made a couple weeks ago and emptied it. I had bought, along with the worms, some strange coconut “bedding” which arrived in the shape of a brick. I was to soak it and it would expand 9 times it size. Well, of course I thought (as I think about nearly everything), “I’ll just throw it in the bathtub”. I love my bathtub. I have almost always had good tubs. And if anything can be cleaned by throwing it in the tub, well, damn if that’s not the way I would do it. I dye fabric in the tub, give large plants a shower when they get dusty, I’ve done laundry and dishes in the tub. I throw Ringo in the tub all the time. I LOVE MY TUB! Today, however, I wished that “throw it in the tub” was not my first instinct, because it was not pretty. That coconut brick didn’t just expand. It expanded and fell apart. Instead of having a very large, wet brick, I had brown soup. I had to use a tea sieve to try to corral the millions of little tiny coconut pieces. Okay, so now the bedding is in the bin, along with a bunch of shredded newspaper and phone book pages. It turns out that our paper here, the Oregonian, uses soy-based ink (how very Portland of them, don’t you think?) Who knows, probably all newspapers do. Finally the moment came when I could unveil the worms. So I did. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirt. Grrrrrr. I dumped the bucket upside down on the bedding and lo’ and behold! there they were. A bunch of skinny red worms. Within minutes they had all disappeared down into the bedding. Tomorrow they will dine on their first veggie-scrap cocktail.

I love worms. And my tub.

And bagpipes.

On Whistling and Cooking Meat

2005-06-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

In the early days of my youth I took quite a liking to whistling. Not my own, for I was without the knowledge or skill, but to other peoples'. It tickled me pink to see an old man walking down the street whistling to himself. What greater proof of the possibility of happiness exists? (Ice cream comes to mind, but I think that's more a cause of happiness than evidence.) Being pragmatic, I assumed that if I could whistle surely everyone would think I was happy also. I mean, I was happy, but now everyone would know it. So, I attempted to learn. I asked everyone, I tried to disseminate the mechanics while watching actors in movies, I even tried to read about. To no avail. No matter how pursed my lips were or what position my tongue was in, I simply couldn't whistle. What came out instead was a kind of pathetic wheeze completely lacking in any semblance of tune. I also can't snap my fingers, but if you've ever seen my fingers you may suspect, as I do, that they are simply inadequate in size or heft or bone-age to achieve the task. Anyway, at 18 I gave the whistling thing one last stab. I asked my boyfriend (who came from a whole family of talented whistlers) how to whistle. He explained and less than a minute later I was off. I'm not talking Beethoven, but I can indeed whistle. I won't try to explain what he told me, but let to suffice to say that my years of inferiority were simply a matter of someone explaining in a way that worked for me. More than ten years later, a very similar thing has happened. Three days ago I cooked steak that was edible. A simple thing, so I've been told. But for some reason, both Daniel and I have been heretofore incapable of cooking a decent slab of meat. Not that we haven't tried. I've even bought the most expensive cuts I can find, asked the butcher how to cook it, asked my mother AND my grandmother (both remarkably good cooks, and Jewish mothers (which pre-disposes them to knowing how to do just about anything). To make a long story shorter, I simply followed a recipe exactly. Voila! I can whistle and cook meat. I bet I could even do them at the same time if needed. I am very proud.

my baby got a job

2005-06-01T13:14:00.000-07:00